Thursday, September 30, 2004

Fly once more

One more day of waking up six a.m. One more day of shit from my groupmates. One more day of programming eight hours straight.

It's a refreshing thought to know for certain that the alluring beauty of a vacation is just twenty four hours away. It's been a long internship, as well as devastating fifteen weeks. I've always been aware of the fact that working is a necessary chore, dreading the day I walk into the cooperate realm. Terror creeps my shoulder every second that in about six months time, i'll be robbed of the luxuries of life i have taken for granted. NO i don't mean the kind of luxury i get back home, but the simple priviledge of elementry assets of life, like attending classes, bunking classes!, hanging out with my friends after school, competitive debating and so much more that stands to be taken away from me simply because i won't have the time. I just want to enjoy these six months as a care free teenager, and i want to make the best of it. Thank god holidays are around the corner.

I've been through alot during the internship though. It's not just the kind of pressure which overwhelms you six days a week, but the sad truth that the failure to handle that pressure can cost you severely in other areas of your life, be it debating, relationships or mere friendship. I reckon it is my failure to appreciate the work i do, that stems the constant disappointment potrayed across in my social circle. It isn't an exciting feeling but one you ought learn to live with. I guess for now, i'd rather not worry too much of it. It is going to be a vacation for me, my last semester of course, and probably a last one in a very long time. A final ecstasy before i say farewell to the life i've lived all along, and commencement to another chapter. I hate commencements, leaving things you love so much and looking back to wonder "Geez that used to be me...".

October not only marks the end of my internship, but also a month since... I do still think about it alot, and do still have feelings. It's much easier, yet pretty tough, to swallow though. No more feelings of excessive sorrow (Well I do choke sometimes), nor hurting lament over the anger. I still remember the words she said, the promises we made, but hey, nothing in life can be taken for granted. Some people narrate the harshest ideas. I'll admit that it does get to my head sometimes. I guess i haven't gotten over her yet, but I really need not care about whom she's with, where she goes nor what she does with him. All that really matters is that I care about her a great deal, that i'll have the courage to be there for her when she needs someone, well if i'm in the mood. Healing the friendship is a difficult job. There really was no reason, all i had to do was convince her that, but ... oh well. I'm still alright to smile. "This love has taken its toll on me". For now i just wanna get my wings back and well... be myself again. Just fly like i used to.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Static

There are days when you live merely for the sake of living. You have forgotten your dreams, your purpose and is literally stuck in a routine demanded by the cooperate world and well the school. Days like these can get dull... too dull, despite the adventurous thrill of living off charity from your generous friends. Well such states are usually result of lack of cash, or loss of any other critical elements in life, anyways. Handling such circumstances can be both challenging and frustrating.

Sometimes i just lie in bed... unsure of tomorrow. Other times i find myself sitting in the middle of nowhere at two a.m. I do alot of thinking... but not the type i'd like it to be. I imagine myself a year back or so... Australs, training at aji's place, Tan Tock Seng Hospital, women's iv, pre worlds, and the list goes on. It was so different back then. Everything seemed to be so... alive. Good memories, bad memories. Precious moments, days you'd rather forget. I faced them all and stood tall. It's all thanks to the people around me who cared. People who looked after me while my liver was infected with... well they never told me what. At that point of time i was already entrenced in a jolly good friendship with a few and others... or rather one particular person... i really got myself attached to her.

It was that faithful day after our second TPIV. The fever got to my head, my body ached and well i was literally down with the sickness. That night aji threw a party. I'd have really enjoyed to be there and hang out with the cool MMU dudes and stuff. Fate had been cruel and thus i subsided to a room and simply... slept. That was one of the moments i'd treasure though. For there beside me she sat... and simply sat. Watching over me like guardian angel. It felt really cool to know that someone cared so much for me... and i guess it's stuff like that she did which got me really attached to her. From then till the day I was discharged from TTSH, she came to see me everyday. While i was at aji's she'll lie by my side... and gave me someone to hold and feel assured that i wasn't alone.

Sometimes i wish i could do it all over again. I wish i could enter a deep slumber and find myself waking at sun inn with her in my arms. Sometimes i wish i could enter a deep slumber and find myself waking up for my first interpoly tryouts. It'd be ideal to live a life you've known already... undo the wrongs and enforce the rights... heh i guess it wouldn't be life anymore if that were the case eh?

Yesterday something upset her. He rushed down like bee to honey and give her the shouler. what can i say? I'd have felt sorry for her, but i don't think it's worth it. I just want to escape from the situation and be myself again.

For starters... I need to get away from this lab for a smoke. One more week and these strings will be cut.

But what about the rest? I'm not even sure if i want to let go anymore... But i'm sure that I'll realise my goals all over again.

Time is always out there to charm you. You just need to take it.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

In search of my 'mojo'

It's terrifying when you realise that you've been entrenched in four things these past few weeks. MFC programming(because i have to), worrying over your mother's condition, chain smoking and lementing over your love life.

It's bad enough to be bombarded with projects from nine to six every weekday, leaving little room for other things i'd rather be doing, but it gets worse when every minute i spend otherwise is wasted wondering over useless thinking like why the fuck did she do it? I'm fully aware of the unhealthy nature of such thoughts especially when it directly harms my already shredded discipline. The feeling of being stuck in a moment is truely uneasy to handle...

I need to get over this patch of confusion. I need to get back to who i used to be. I need to read! I need to know what the hell is going on in the world outside my narrow mental blocs. Just thinking of the old days when i would really put an effort ( and eighty cents every morning) to read the papers on my way to school, torments the diminishing status of will and passion to go places in debates (and earn big bucks upon graduation). At this rate i'll never make it to the interpoly's, let alone break at the Asians.

It sucks to be stuck in a moment.

Somebody please enlighten me and let me feel the fresh air. Somebody unlock me from this prison of self deprication

Aji, Annu or even T-Joe!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Back on the "Forsaken Piece of Rock"

Shit I'm broke again.

Shit I'm back.

Shit i've got work to do

From the moment i stepped off the plane, these words echoed on in my head till I got back to my shit hole for an appartment and realised... the vacation was too short. My heart was aching in rythem(how do spell that again?), to the agony of finding many luxuries amiss. My cozy room for starters, unlimited supply of booze and nicotine, the pajero, the immunities i get against doing the most unlawful shit, and for a second there i nearly broke down and cried.

Well all's been going on quite well since though, despite the fact that i for the second time since yesterday got screwed over by my supervisor/auditors for not meeting up deadlines (immoral bastards). I've got a report to do, assignments, shit loads of catching up for debates, and just as much on my personal matters (no! it doesn't mean i've been bypassing showers in Burma!!). Stressful but there's always a bright side in life =).

Last night, I went over to NYP to adj their inter SBM(or some shit like that). I was expecting to watch the most terrible of rounds and feel fucked(yet in control of course) over seeing will and qian hanging around alot(I kinda got pretty jealous when i found out she's been spending the whole day with him). And my first impression of the tourney was a disaster... made to adj a rookie debate... if there even was a debate that took place. Screw you Anand!!! Second round, aji, cj and myself formed a swing team by the name of SHREK 2!, sorry smokie... i know you wanted to debate.

We instantly attempted the roleplaying: Aji = donkey, CJ = Shrek, Me = Puss in Boots. Well that didn't work out too well so when it came down to the real debate, we just stuck to ourselves :). The motion being "THW legalise prostitution" we opposed it in ways no teams has ever opposed before (or we'd like to think that way). Our main line of argumentation: Adreanaline Rush in doing something illegal, Geylang as a Family affair, Affordabilty in terms of Bargaining. And my whip I did an absolutely absurd logic of Singapore endorsing Nuclear Programme Funding in North Corea, through legislation of prostitutes (yes i drew the link!). The other team was kinda insulted at first but i'm sure they had a blast and we won over their hearts at the end of the day. =).

"For you baby, I can be anything"

=) happy happy

Monday, September 20, 2004

Sunshine versus Sunlight

She spoke not of hatred.

She spoke not of angst nor anger.

Her principle was compassion and preached of love for the country, love for our people and love for freedom.

I must have been lying to myself when I jumped into my dad's car and decided to go for a "casual ride". An unconscious agenda brought me down New University Road and i was hardly surprised to see a rally in process outside her residence. For the first time in many years... I laid my eyes on the one woman whom i have admired and worshiped all my life (my first encounter with her was five years ago). I could see she was getting old... but the passion in her words, the courage to stand up for her ideals and the will to make grave sacrifices, such elements... they're eternal. I need not narrate the reasons i admire her... heh it'll be absurd to state the obvious... but what i can tell you is that... there's hope. I felt an overwhelming urge to jump off my car and yell out in support(dad would have killed me if i did), and when i saw the masses selflessly wearing the NLD tag and sat there to simply listen to the voice of their champion... I smiled.

The sun shines upon the land of Burma, but dark clouds prevent the penetration of sunlight. The remedy? It's from within... remove the clouds of fear in our minds, protect our spirit from the flood of corruption and peservere the thunder and the rain. Nothing lasts forever... and someday... we'll be able to appreciate the sunlight.

Yet the sun will always shine... and someday, when the storm subsides... we'll have a reason to celebrate...

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Living in the past

Waking up from a nightmare, I stirred to the brillience of a fresh morning in Burma. I walked out to the balcony. The sun was still young and mildly shined upon the lawn in my backyard. I took a deep breath, braced the sky and said to myself, "It sure is good to be myself again".

Life as a kid back home has always been a grand affair. I'd walk down to breakfast with my family, chauffered to school and back, and i'll spend the rest of the day with my mom until my dad takes us out for chinese food. The particular hilights of my old days is how much I used to share with my mother. School, girls, movies... i guess at my early point of life, my only friend was my mother.

Yesterday I had the longest chat with her. She seemed so happy to see me and i'm really glad to see her that way. We talked about singapore, what she's been up to after i left, how I've been putting up and before we knew it, the day was gone. She's in a bad state non the less though. I was very shocked to see her in that state, even thought my aunt assured me that she'll be fine once she gets enough rest... It kinda sucks... that I'm gradually losing my mom.

On a brighter note, I drove the streets of Rangoon! for the first time in my life I was behind the wheels legally. I drove down to Inya lake and up to one of those cool resorts i used to hang out around. I settled down on a lonely bench up a remote hill, and before me was dusk in Rangoon. The sun was graudally sinking behind the divine stupa, the Shwedagon pagoda, shy couples walking back after a day of whisper love to one another, college kids trying to be cool with their noise polluting bikes. I saw it all and i was so satisfied. For a moment I wished I had never gone to Singapore, but hey... did i have a choice.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Give me a break

ah! Home at last, comfortably in my room and indulging in the priviledge of internet access ( yes it is a priviledge in Burma). Mother seems to be still asleep when i arrived moments ago... I can't wait to see her. I'm kinda afraid though. I've always known her to be one super active woman with a constant stock of cigarettes under her belt. Now, she's old, ill and weak... resting in bed all day simply because she has no strength to even sit up... *sigh*

My brother's outside... fooling around as always... i sense a severe amount of tension between us... it looks like these seven days is going to be a pretty interesting weekend. I won't have the time to tour the city though... I'm here to look after my mom and that's exactly what i'll be doing.

So all and all, 1) my mom's sick 2) i broke up with my gf 3) I have no money 4) my brother's a bitch

Geezuz Krist!!! Give me a BREAK!!