Monday, December 27, 2004

The Greatest Love of all

I believe it was Whitney Houston who performed the song "Greatest Love of all". It's a song I sure will remember for the rest of my life. They say it's hard to find, but methinks it's really much harder to understand rather... until one day it happens to you. This is not a post about things i can't have nor things i'd like to have, but a dedication to a love that has been there all along. This is a dedication to one woman who've truely showed me the meaning of love... someone who has made me realise my dreams and guided the way to achieve it.

It's hard to begin... and indeed very hard to describe. There just seem to be too many things i'd like to talk about her. Even though we've had tough trials in our relationship and many issues we never concluded, I'm glad it had never scared whom she is to me... and I to her. I'd like to pretend i don't need her anymore, and many a times that she doesn't matter. Forgive me for making things so hard. It may be a curse to her but surely a blessing for me.

Called her a slave driver... and a new age hitler, but sometimes i do wonder where i'd be without what she's given me. No words can explain the first days when i had to go away from her but hey... guess we all have to move on someday. When i need a friend, and when i'm in despair, all i do is look back at what she's told me. Words resonating a life time as though an angel speaks from above and i can be sure i'd walk the right path if only i listen to them. I do miss her company and i wish i could say i love her as much as she does but it really doesn't work that way. I guess i won't understand today, but perhaps in the future i would... and i do hope i can pass on to others the same kind of affection she's given to me.

The true meaning of love doesn't lie in a stranger's heart

but right back where you started from...

Know that i'm a grateful son...

Happy Birthday Mom

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

The angst

I feel damn guilty after yesterday. We broke to the finals, we've beaten the pagan infidels from the temple of doom and set a new standard for polytechnic debating... yet i still feel bitter just because i didn't do well. I feel guilty over the fact that I didn't show the kind of appreciation and pride for my teamates for the hard efforts they've put in and moreover the fact that we didn't do as well as we should have. Someone once told me about how respect is won in the debating realm, and that true respect can never be achieved when there is a disparity between team A and the rest of the squad. It doesn't help when we didn't even make the break.

I'm glad though that ppl like Tom and other uni's begin appreciating us, but I feel a need to show that TP as a squad is formidable. I'm by no means saying aji is not TP but what a really want is to prove that TP is beyond aji, that every speaker you randomly point out is just as dangerous and qualified. I'm sick and tired of depending on luck in tournaments, and resorting to excuses that adjudication was bad. It's the level of winning convincingly that i long for. The ability to break out and win regardless of who we meet and the level of adjudication be it novice, mediocare or advanced; to not give any room for dodgy adjs to put you down because you are a polytechnic debater. I want it so badly yet i don't know how. I've lived that moment a million times when we beat teams like NTU A or SMU A but we simply keep losing out by a single point to them for the stupidest mistakes we make or coming third in a room with the lousiest speakers ever because of bad strategy. I went through each and every debate i've had and watched over the weekend and thought about how i could have argued, what cases could have been run, how we could have responded and i see a million flaws in each and every speech i gave. The scariest part is that these are things i should have learnt to tackle over the last three years. I've done nothing since the last world's, absolute zero improvement... i've become a worse speaker for that matter. Now my last thing i can do is channel this angst to pushing myself towards breaking at the asians. If i do not manage to do that, i've practically failed whatever i've stood for in the last three years. I'd have failed my coach, TP and most importantly myself. Something i have a knack of doing and am sick and tired of it.

On another note, congratulations aji and annu for your 18 months mark. I really envy those guys on how they handle their relationship.He's a really lucky man... she could do much better.