Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Nostaligia (Duet)

A song i heard when i was 14...

Monday, December 29, 2008

Guilt Trip Part 2

My heart is very heavy...

I don't even know what to write here anymore...

Guilt Trip la la la

Happy Birthday

I'm supposed to be working, but i need an outlet. It's my mother's birthday and i made her cry. Why? because of a letter i wrote. And guess what! my father joined the mourning. why? all because i simply am a family tragedy.

I abandoned my faith, did horrible things and lied to them. If i keep lying to them at least they will be happy, but now that i've told them the truth, they can't handle the truth.

Jesus, you said the truth will set me free. Then set them free for God's sake! You taught me to honour my mother and father and i've tried my best, what the heck more do you want me to do? You've robbed her off joy on her 50th birthday all because you called me to follow you. They're on death's door and you expect them to mourn over my sins? I should have bloody well kept up the lying and let them die in peace. I hate blaming you, and i know it's not fair. But it's not fair on me either! Yes i made mistakes and i'm bearing the consequences of my sins but they're MY sins let me do it myself. Please Lord, spare them the pain. Sometimes i try to relate my family life too you but i simply can't. You had it easy with Mary and Joseph, and God as your father. My parents are neither Joseph nor Mary, neither am i anything like you.

You said unless i hate my mother and my father, I'm not fit to be your disciple. Heck i understand that now. Following you has rapidly led me into a blood bath with them. So much for bring joy and peace... All i ever want for them is to be happy. Following you is making them unhappy. It's my own damn fault that i try to follow you, maybe i should just trying so hard. Maybe i should just go back home and become whatever they want me to be. But "you have seduced me and i have allowed myself to be seduced". You are the reason of my suffering and their suffering. You are the reason of my pain and their pain. You are the reason she has to cry on her birthday. You are the reason i have become the son who makes them disgusted with themselves.

This is such a bleak bleak Christmas. I don't think i'll be very merry just imagining what my parents are going through. You O Lord, are an impossible creature to please.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas Night

Away in a mountain, he shivers in cold,
O chill of dreaded fear!
Through trials and tests, his story unfold,
O His love is near!
The night is cold, the night is dark,
Love is his warmth, Christ is his light,
This Christmas night, O night so dark,
May Christ ever be your light.

Amidst the city, he watches the stars,
O light of joyful hope!
His longings and missions, no longer far,
O God prepare his heart!
The stars shine bright, the stars give sight,
Hope is his strength, Christ is his might,
This Christmas night, O night so bright,
May Christ ever be your might.

Alone in a church, she prays for comfort,
O God of love save her!
Her body is tired, her heart is torn
O God grant her your peace!
Trials of body, she knows no rest,
Faith is her hope, Christ is her peace
This Christmas night, O night of tests,
May Christ ever be your peace.

Adorned in joy, she waits her groom,
O joyful feast of love!
Her troubles joyful, her heart his room,
O God bless these children!
She dances in faith, She dances in hope
Love is her song, Christ is her love
This Christmas night, O night of hope,
May Christ ever be your love.

Alone by the lake, he bows in prayer,
O night that leads his heart!
He smiles in joy, yet sighs in fear
O night his only strengh!
Agony his hope, love his sorrow,
Peace is his night, Christ is his night,
This Christmas night, O night so narrow
May Christ ever be your night.

O night, when Word was made flesh,
O night, when angels sang for joy,
O night, when shepheards tasted hope,
O night, when Mary pondered love,
O night, when the star did shine,
O night, that led to the cross of Christ,
O night, that softly calls our heart
O night, ever be our guide.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Show me Lord

Monday, December 22, 2008

Ex communication

Ahh Exgirlfriends, you can never get enough of them. For me it's just one particular girl, but it is emotionally, mentally and spiritually tiring dealing with her.

Dear Jesus, I love you, and i've never been so thankful that You saved me from my last relationship. I see it clearly where it would have led me to... eternal damnation on earth and for eternity. Yet if i can but bring one drop of Your love to her, how much joy You could give her. I have nothing but the prayers to heal her from the wounds she has collected from the past, wounds of the present and trials that await her future. May she grow to love you too someday. But i have a problem...

Why Lord am i so haunted by the fact that I can never be a man that any "normal" woman could possibily love. By normal i mean those souls deeply afflicted with an insatiable thirst for material possessions and those who measure a person's worth by the salary he earns. I'm quite poor Lord and my skills are little. I get so afraid that if You do call me to married life, i'm totally handicapped to provide the material security to my spouse and children. It's quite disheartening. To be honest it's the reason sometimes i feel i want to join religious life. Married life is too hard, the sacrifices are so big, the expectations are so exhausting to fulfill. Yet i know that's not what you ask of me, but that's simply what the world is asking of any man that he be successful to be labeled "decent". By that standard i probably fall into the catergory of "pathetic".

Sigh... Lord where am i going wrong? I'm not scrambling to find pennies yet i feel the work i do is practically leading me nowhere. At the same time i have a creeping insecurity that i only have a diploma and that simply isn't good enough. That's the underlying problem lord, i've already plummeted my self worth because i don't have a degree and i don't earn enough. I know it's not the healthiest way to feel because they make me lose sight of You but i can't deny that my low self esteem is oozing from this fact. I try my best Lord, I really do... but circumstances put me where I am. I'll even quit smoking, i really will try yet at the same time i'm so eager to give up hope. I don't want to run away and enter religious life simply because of this silly defect! No! I want to become a man fit to worship you and stand in your presence! I want to live up to my name, to belong to You! Please Lord... help me to accept who i am, where i am and the circumstances i am in. I love You Lord, You are my saving help.

Guilt Trip

While feebly attempting to convince a friend that guilt trips aren't healthy, i seem to have taken myself through one. Conclusion: Guilt trips are evil (especially if you're backpacking and being your own tourguide). Here's a few destinations i visited.

1. Great Wall of Deception (what horrible lies i've told)
2. The Tower of Prideon (yep it's very tall and i got stuck on top!)
3. San Insecuritio Bridge (did i do the right thing? did i do the wrong thing? argh i shouldn't have!)

Meh i figured i'd stop there but I'm still a bit disturbed though. I'm just very scared that i'm offending the Lord and straying ppl away from His plans. ARGGHHH!!!


guilt trip...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

My consolation

is darkness.

This weekend's gospel is one truly close to me heart.

"Behold the handmaid of the Lord."

My last post resonated the 1st reading. David wanting to build a house for the Lord. What a swift response to my thoughts! If only i could be more like Mary and with love respond, knowing that i'm nothing without the Lord.

Being a true Carmelite, the Fr Thomas went on to speak of the darkness that follows everytime we say "Yes" to the Lord. I've come into a darkness and thus that's a consolation i guess. At least it's a small assurance that i have said yes somewhere along the way.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Penitential blues

I'm reminded today why i prefer to go for 1 on 1 confessions instead of penitential services. After much examination of conscious, prayer and preparation, i had a time allowance of confessing 1 of the 3 sins i wanted to confess before the priest absolved me of ALL my sins. I somewhat feel either i shortchanged the Lord or i got shortchanged :( meh... at least i didn't get another "go rethink your life" penance.

speaking of which the service did get me thinking a bit. I was reminded on why the priesthood attracted me, and it was all thanks to St Therese. Liz always talk of a love that is meant not just for a family but for many, and it had always got me wondering if God will ever give me such a grace. But it appears the love that the Lord has put in my heart is not a general one but a very specific love for those whom nobody wishes to love.

Like Therese, i at times feel "consumed by a thrist for souls". Yes I have a love for the most horrible of sinners; the murderer, the adulters, the rapists, the child rapists, the thief, those who abuse power. I admire the works of the priests and religious around me, i really do, but all i think that even if we can but "snatch away the soul of one grave sinner", there will be such great rejoicing in heaven. If i may fantasize a bit, I wish to look into the eyes of Robert Mugabe and tell him how much God loves him, I want to dine with the generals of burma and preach to them the love of God, I want to do penance for the repose of Hitler's soul, i want to be there to welcome home the souls of such great sinners for despite the many many sins they commit, i see how much peril their souls must be facing and thus needs much attention! It is easy to love and sympathise with someone who has been a victim of such crimes but how poor the souls of the perpetuators. I want to bring Jesus to them, how beautiful it will be to celebrate mass with those poor souls on death row! To hear the confessions of prostitues and bring home those inflamed with sinful passions to be quenched by God's eternal Spirit.

But i'm sucha little soul who can't even reach out effectively to juvenile deliquints. What i have described is the castles in the skies i wish to build for the Lord but there is a reality check on my own limitations as well as the agendas of the different dioceses/orders. I am very aware that obedience will bind me from most of such ideals not to mention the clerical and lay politics which will probably create a scandal in no time.

I should also indicate that this experiece came right after a brief encounter with a couple of Japanese kids at Jocelyn's place! I seem to be suddenly and instictively beginning to develop paternal instincts along with my desire to raise a holy family to offer up to the Lord. Yes married life has been crossing my mind alot these days as well. To embark on a journey of mutual sanctification with a spouse, to instruct and nurture God's little souls to bear fruits for His glory. To shout out the world around through the marriage that "God alone is sufficient."! How i wish to raise up my family as a beacon in this materilistic and self serving world that it is God who will give true joy to those who love Him. Yes... I want to lead souls of my family to love Him above all things that this domestic church will inflame God's love in the world to lead souls to love no longer the things of this world but hope for the eternal reward that awaits them in heaven that is, the Lamb of God Himself.

Dear Jesus, shepherd of my heart and vocation. These are the plans i have for you but they're "only a shadow of your plans for us.". My life is in Your hands Lord. What do You will of me? How do you wish for me to glorify the Father through You? I love You Lord, to You be highest glory and praise forever.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

An early Christmas gift

I've just finished my assigned tasks for the day and was quite bored, when i started franticly looking for the date for Feast of Holy Innocents. It fell on a Sunday so we won't be celebrating it this year it seems :(. Anyways it triggered a memory of a dream i had recently which i count as a precious gift from God, which i've recorded here as a story.

* * * *

One dark night, a young man decided to walk down a familiar path. A breezy chill swept across his face, carrying with it many memories which he can no longer remember. He was searching for something that did not exist, and remembering moments that never happened. At a distance he could see what he was looking for, but he no longer knew what it was nor did he care. The night was dark and he stood still. A lit cigarette was his sole companion.

"Let us go to him.", said the Lord, "Let us make him remember"

"Let us go to him.", said the Lamb, "Let us make him feel forgiven"

"Let us go to him.", said the Spirit, "Let us make him feel consoled"

"Let us go to him.", said the saints, "Let us bring the Lord to him."

The night was dark, yet he stood still.
The darkness consumed the path, yet he stood still.
The darkness absorbed all surroundings, yet he stood still.
The heavens turned off its lights, yet he stood still.

And then from the depths of his soul... a light, it was the light of the Lord.

in the light he saw a child, his eyes teared...
in the light he heard her cry, his body shuddered...
in the light he smelt her fragrance, his heart ached...
in the light he tasted her tears, his breath ceased...
in the light he felt her pain, he dropped to his knees and cried,
No longer able to stand the light of the truth.

It was then, that a radiant dawn shone upon the land and before him stood two youthful figures elegantly dressed in white. The older was a boy with blue eyes and and short hair. His gentle disposition showered the ground with particles of charity and his zeal burned the air with sparks of love. The younger one held his hand tightly. She was but a toddler yet so filled with love and wisdom that all childishness seemed to have been shurgged off completely. She was a little child who had been filled with nothing but the love of her God and what a beautiful sight it was! They both smiled upon the young man with a love so great that he dared not stand before them.

"Do not be afraid.", said the older saint, "Though mother and father forsake her, her God is ever faithful. She has been washed by the blood of the Lamb, she is a virgin!"

"Be glad for me, for I am now with the Father.", continued the younger one, her voice full of joy, "So will you be one day and i look foreward to it. I will prepare a place for you and we will go together to see the Lamb."

With that they began walking away. The young man finally found the courage to stand up and run after them, screaming "Take me with you!". But he was too late. Then a voice came from the clouds.

"You place is here. You may not be able to do great things, but do every little thing for the glory of God. Be a witness to His love, mercy, compassion and forgiveness."

* * *

I woke up to my usual wake up call. I prayed in my heart...

St Dominic Savio... pray for us

Judith... I love you

I'm burning...

with jealous love for the God of Burma. I'm jealous that my people have forsaken the Lord, that her leaders have traded compassion and love for greed and corruption, that the poplace has been pushed to a poverty and resentment, that the social, political and economic fabric has eroded to a state that robs us off our dignity to live in justice.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

What am i doing...

Lord, sometimes i wonder if i'm offending You by doing what i'm doing, feeling what i'm feeling.

Please Lord, let my heart be not hardened but inflamed with Your love. If it truly is the priesthood You've prepared for me then You better start helping me hear that call because i seem to be very eager to close that door, not out of fear but because i'm finding something else alot more attractive than the holy priesthood. Well not that i have much of an option there but if You will it, i truly desire it and i'm quite willing to pour my heart to it. I really can't say the same about religious life anymore =/. Did i lose my way or did you bring me here? I'll bring this up at my next sacred hour with you i guess...

But i guess at the end of the day, i just want to please you. I really hope my desires are not getting in my way... Whatever lah Lord, just help me to hear your will, take it to heart and do it. That's enough for me.

Oh and if it's possibile i could use some help with my career =D... I mean if you call me to marriage i'll have to provide for my family right? I can't expect my possible wife to take a vow of poverty! that's madness!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A long long time ago

There used to be a boy called Nyi Nyi. He was always top in class! and his mother was very proud of him. He was proud too and worked very hard to do well in his exams. He had many friends too! His mother told him that he was special. She said he was destined for big big dreams! He believed every word of it and always dreamed of becoming a doctor someday. One day he had to leave to a place far far away. Nyi Nyi was very sad but excited!

"I will come back as a doctor someday, and treat people in my country!", he said.

But things turned out very very bad. He was no longer top in his new class. He did not have any friends anymore. Nyi Nyi was very very sad. Then he became a bad boy and stopped working hard. He told naughty lies to his mother and did many naughty things too. Slowly and slowly he became a horrible person and nobody liked him.

Jesus saw that he was very bad but He also saw that he was very sad. Jesus came to Nyi Nyi one day and said, "Hey, want to play?". Nyi Nyi saw that Jesus had the most shiny smile. He thought Jesus had a funny beard too!

"Ok... but you won't like me." Nyi Nyi said, and went to play with Jesus.

Nyi Nyi was very naughty. He tried to cheat many times but Jesus was too clever. He hit Jesus many times but Jesus forgave him everytime. After a while, Nyi Nyi was exhausted but Jesus was still smiling.

"Come on! Let's keep playing!" Jesus said.

Nyi Nyi was too tired to play already and said,

"Jesus, i'm very tired already. I want to go back and rest but thank you for playing with me."

But Jesus would not let Nyi Nyi go and said,

"I know! why don't i take you to my place! You can rest there and after that we can play with all my friends! But you must do some things before you come"

Nyi Nyi went along with Jesus. He lived in a big beautiful house! When the reached the door Jesus asked Nyi Nyi to wait and went into the house. After a while Jesus came out with a big bucket of water! Jesus poured it on Nyi Nyi and he felt very fresh! So Nyi Nyi went in and lived with Jesus all his life!

Nyi Nyi never became a doctor. His old friends became very very rich, but Nyi Nyi stayed poor. His old friends became very very popular but Nyi Nyi was just and ordinary boy. His old friends lived in big houses but Nyi Nyi only had small room.

"Oh poor little Nyi Nyi." they said, "He must be very sad to not have pretty cars and big houses."

but Nyi Nyi smiled and said,

"I don't need big houses, nor pretty cars. I don't need people to think I'm rich. I have something better than all these. I have a friend called Jesus!"

Monday, December 15, 2008

Trust His Heart

"The eyes of the Crucified gaze upon you..."

Gentle Jesus, my love and meaning of my life. To You am i sworn loyalty. To You alone am I to praise, revere and give glory. You have clothed me with salvation and redemption from my past. You have baptised me into a new creation. Yet what will you see O Lord, when you gaze upon me? I dare not look upon this cross, my only hope. I dare to return Your gaze. It is You who searches my heart and knows my secret sins, the wickedness of the person of who i am. I hate myself Lord, I hate myself. I despise my sins and the person they mould me to be. Do not look upon me. Get away from me for i am a sinful man... unworthy to stand in your presence, an unfit sight for Your perfect eyes.

"...they question you and appeal to you..."

Oh silly child... look up and see. Look upon body hanging on the cross. Look upon these hands that bled for you. Look upon this crown that piercing my skull. Look upon my Heart that bleeds for you. Trust my Heart. What sin will i not forgive? What wounds can I not heal? What weaknesses can My grace not empower? I see your sins, little one, i see your sins. Which sinner will my Father deny? you who have recourse to my sacrifice, you who loves me from the depths of your soul... why do you hide? Come! I will wash you with my blood, you shall be a saint!

"...Do you wish seriously to renew your alliance with Him?..."

My Lord and my God! what worth have i to be called your friend? You who are all good, all mighty and all wise... i who am all evil, all weak and all foolish. i call you master and you rightly are so, yet you call me friend. Send me your Spirit O Lord, send me Your Spirit. You who have so few friends... help me to be a good one. Let me love you my God no longer just in words, but in my mind, will and actions. I beg you Lord, create in me the fountain of life you promised the Samaritan woman at the well. A fountaion from which i may draw Your love all the days of my life. I want my soul to be united to You always. I want my sinfulness to be cast away in this intimate union. Help me Lord to make a straight path for you. Let me not give into idleness to work for my salvation. Hear me my friend and answer me... for it is You who will save me. If You should abandon me Lord... whom will i have?

"...What will your response be?..."

Do you seriously wish to renew your alliance with Me? Do you truly from the depths of your soul seek My Spirit? Do you wish to drink this water of life? Then drink from this cup I give you. Trust my bleeding Heart. Follow me into this dark night and you will see My Love glowing from within. When your heart bleeds like mine, then you will find perfect love. The blood shed will wash your soul and draw you to Myself. In your lonliness in night of My garden, you will find Me waiting for you. You will shed tears of joy when you see My Face. You will belong to Me, and I to you. Yours will be the heavens and earth, yours will be saints and angels, yours will be My very own mother. I myself will be yours. I will be your God and you will be my friend. What will your response be? Will you risk this darkness to find My light? Will you take this cross I have destined you to? Will you trust my heart which bleeds for you?

"...Lord to whom shall i go? You have the words of eternal life."

To whom shall i go Lord, but You? Whom can i trust but You? Look not on my sins Lord but let me be with You this dark night. When all senses fail, please be my refuge. When the cold makes me shiver in fear, let me find warmth in Your embrace. When the road is weary let me rest in You. When the beasts attack me, be my ward. Let my heart bleed with Yours, my God. Sanctify my soul and let me ever be faithful to this cross. You have led me where i am, You have called me to Yourself. I have no compass, no map. No silver, no gold. No sandals no cloth. Ah! I've found it! Your love is my guide tonight until i see Your face. I love You Lord, do with me as You please.

Jesus, my God, my brother and my friend. Let me wrestle with You lovingly until You give me Your blessings. Let me contend with You this night until You bend my heart to do Your will. As You love me despite my sins, i will love You always even if you lead me to stand before the grave.