Monday, February 09, 2009

Waiting

I just have a sudden awareness of how anxious/scared/excited/worried I am about waiting for the job/courses/other i have applied for.

AED hasn't gotten back to me yet... and MOE said 2-3 weeks...

I'm praying that God will console me after my DAFF rejection with a positive response. Prayer is my consolation. hehe another weak attempt at trying to be like Therese.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Vocation Recollection

I have just come into office after a day of being "active" in church again. Cat class in the morning and Youth comissioning mass/workshop in the afternoon. It is indeed very apt that I was comissioned after the precious few moments with the Lord at the seminary. I saw Melissa (Lim) around in church and at the workshop, yes that mischeivious little imp and the lost sheep of mentors. I decided to have fun and ignore her all day but i must admit i'm quite overjoyed to see her around, hoping and praying that she'll come back to meet the Lord at mentors and at His table. I have actually been quite hurt with the way she's been treating the Lord... as father elijah will say I have been "burning with jealous love for the Lord of hosts". But as much as i refused to show it i understood the meaning of why there is "great rejoicing in heaven" when one sinner returns to the house of the Lord. I was overwhelmed with the insticts of a shepherd finding a lost sheep and the father of the prodigal son running to embrace his son. Oh what joy! even if she were to choose to go lost again sooner or later.

I must pray the Teresian prayer that the Lord will "Give to the one who does not ask. Open the door to the one who does not knock. Heal the one who likes to be sick." Yes i understood that God's love is beyond the infidelity of the youth; our violation of chastity, insolence towards authority, love for harmful entertainment and even inidignance towards the Holy mass. I am filled with confidence that there is no sinner, the Lord cannot love, even those whose souls have resisted to His advances to repentance. It is then, as St Paul's letter will say today, "my duty to preach the gospel to them". This i am sure is the task the Lord has entrusted me to show them how much He loves them. I can only pray that He will give me the grace to "make myself a slave... and become all things to all men so that i may save some at any cost." Do you know what my reward is? My reward is that some of these kids will someday grow into wonderful children of God... no longer lost in darkness but filled with God's light. Yes I belive God is not so unjust as to determination, love and prayer i have put into these young ones. I am confident that He will reward me with the consolation that they will have a place in His garden of souls even though i may never be able to witness these fruits. I will rejoice with them in heaven when the Lord invite us into his kingdom.

Ok i actually wanted to give an account of my recollection at the seminary but i guess what i've just described is the fruits of discernment. I really really love the youth and if i'm convinced that it is God's will for me to be where i am at mentors and catechism. I still remember Ben and Joachim, my first children. Though they may have backtracked already, i still remember how at peace i was to minister to them.

Now back to the recollection. i have decided to not pen down my experiences of prayerful solace with the Lord or my conversations with Fr Alex, his instrument. I owe many apologies to him for my lack of trust in Him. How blessed it is that the good Lord does not leave the salvation and joy of those I love to a will as wretched as mine. It will suffice to say that I am once again certain of God's love and His will for me. What then is His will? If it is His will, He could instantly convert my parents into understanding ones and in an instant rebuild my relationship with them. If it is His will, He could simply whisper to his daughter and grant my prayers. If it is His will He could raise me up to the ranks of the rich and i will have little to worry about marriage. But no, I now know that His love is not so small for me. I understand the value of my destination/vocation is determined by what sort of a journey the Lord allows me to take. It is then His will that I do not know what the outcome of all that i'm going through will be. This unknowing is the scourge He has planned for me, that I may be disciplined to be better servant of His kingdom.

Lord... please give me the grace to always trust that you love me. The desires you have given me, i want to give them back to you. Dispense them to Your glory. For i now know that you never will for me to misery but joy and happiness, even if for the moment i must suffer.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Cold feet

I always never want to go for seminary recollections but the last one i reluctantly went for turned me upside down and screwed up all my plans...

Why do i have a nagging feeling something excruciatingly painful is going to happen again this time round? As much as i don't want to be a diocesan i seem to have developed a liking for the seminary (the building)... God always speaks to me there, sometimes even more than when i'm with the Carms...

God of all gentleness, God of all calm,
Your voice is contentment, Your presence is balm,

Grant me peace, not those momentary ones but one that lasts.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Beloved

Where have you fled my beloved words?
And left me abandoned in my time of need
You who have been my shield and sword
Forsook mine senses and not intercede

Who now will weave my tale of love?
Or tell the story of my soul's longing?
Who now will carry this secret love,
To her for whom my soul is longing?

O heart aid you this despearate man?
You who moans with equal desire?
Will you trace the roads on which she ran?
That we may set her heart on fire.

Alas! kidnapped my heart this lady fair,
In daylight under my very eyes.
Beloved please keep your hostage with care
And quieten not its gentle sighs.

My mind is ever upon you beloved,
To rest I go with you in my song
I wait in hope for your voice beloved,
Each morn i wake for you i long.

Who will write this tale of love?
But the one who hears my prayers
Who will sing this song of love?
Of her, the answer to my prayers

Oh trinity of love, to you i turn
Will you author this book with mercy?
My senses frail yet my heart does burn
Lead me lord to its esctasy.

My beloved is in the clouds, yet here on earth,
Oh what joyful longing!
My beloved is in my heart, yet by the lake,
Oh hopeful longing!

I wait for my beloved in silent prayer.
Break not the heart you have stolen!

Monday, February 02, 2009

All Saints- The Novice; Prologue

“O gloomy night of darkness,
A night whence evil prevail,
This love that he harnessed,
He goes forth to assail…”

A man of God… what must men do to belong to God? What trials must he face to prove his unconditioned allegiance to Him, free from all injuries of schism? On a dark night filled with yearnings, a young man braved storm and thunder, searching for his beloved. Where will his search lead him? Was his conviction one borne of love or a fool’s fickle musing? What was he truly looking for? These questions he must answer before his final profession into the Order. He prayed as he rode for the grace to remain faithful to God’s will, for his doubts plague his conscious. A light in the distance… He now approached his destination and his mission.

A woman of God… she was the bride of God Himself. She has welcomed with joy the trials before her, freed by these trials that she may give herself wholly to His will. On a bright noon filled with love, a young woman gave herself to be a virgin. She had found her destiny. She was convinced of her vocation. She continued to seek the will of God. Professed into her vocation she no longer questioned but accepted each day as a gift from God. The noon was over now and darkness approaches. She prayed for the grace to remain faithful for she sensed the night approached her blessed convent.

It was the night of destiny of what had been and what would be. God’s love was told that night amidst the wetness and gloom. He had arrived to do God’s will. He knocked upon the door as a guest in need. He entered the convent as a brother of peace. Secure in the heart of the holy home. He drew his daggers for it was God’s will. Sounds of thunder intertwined with wailing women yet nobody heard the noise. Blood, agony and death was the night’s purpose yet he had no remorse as he did it for God. What gave him the hardness of heart? What deluded him to do this task?

“In the name of the Holy Mother Church, you have been sentenced to immediate termination my dear sisters. God have mercy on your souls…”

Six lives he took of those whom he knew and did not know and when it came down to the last, he held his blade. He saw her eyes filled with sorrows but he knew it was not fear. He knew her too that she was not so weak.

“It is good to see you again Bethany,” he said, “though I trust you do not share the same pleasure.”

“What have you done? What have you become?” her feeble response was carried by a voice from the depths of her agony.

“I am merely fulfilling my vocation my dear, one which I have sought all my life. As you made sacrifices, I too have made sacrifices. As you have followed the Lord, I too am following the Lord. It is a pity your journey must end tonight.”

Her heart was breaking, and a well of tear sprung up from her throat to her eyes. The person she once knew was no more. She had only God to strengthen her in these final hours. She did not understand martyrdom to be a joyful affair as described by saints before her.

“Before you strike me, answer me this question…” she wanted to know. She had to know. She needed to find out if the man before her truly was the man she had known.

“Do you still love God?”

What will his answer be?...

Labels:

Spiritual Mutant

I can't hate you, yet i can't love you.
I can't bless you, yet i can't curse you.
I want to stay away from you, but i want to be near you.
I want you to hurt, but it hurts me to see you hurt.
I think you're selfish, but i know you gave your life for me.
I think you don't care, but know you do...

God of the universe, I no longer belong to you, yet i am yours
I have become worse than what i was before,
I have become nothing.

I am the instrument which you have discarded. You do not dispose of me but keep me on your shelf. You do not play nor tune me whilst you busy yourself with others. Yet i cannot leave, but i will forever remain worthless to you.

I am that child crying alone in your house. My siblings you busy yourself with yet my tears, you do not hear. You give me not one drop of attention. Yet I cannot leave your house.

I am that actor whose role you don't remember. How you applaud and smile upon the leads yet to me you pay no attention. I am that actor who wants to please you but am not rewarded even by a slight acknowledgement.

I am that lover whom you have forsaken. Many nights i yearn for you hopelessly yet you refuse to show me your love. I cry out for you while you busy yourself with others but you will not even glace at me. How long must i live only on memories of what we used to have?

I am that patient you have refused to heal. You have wounded me but deny me remedy. You leave me for death alone on my bed.

I am that boy in love with that girl, the one you chose for yourself. God of the universe you have deceived me, you have deceived me. You have seduced me yet deny me the joy. You have taken my heart and gave me back none. I have given you my all and you have given me nothing.

God of the universe, let us break up. If this is your will, at least give me that dignity and grace to hate you.