Sunday, February 08, 2009

Vocation Recollection

I have just come into office after a day of being "active" in church again. Cat class in the morning and Youth comissioning mass/workshop in the afternoon. It is indeed very apt that I was comissioned after the precious few moments with the Lord at the seminary. I saw Melissa (Lim) around in church and at the workshop, yes that mischeivious little imp and the lost sheep of mentors. I decided to have fun and ignore her all day but i must admit i'm quite overjoyed to see her around, hoping and praying that she'll come back to meet the Lord at mentors and at His table. I have actually been quite hurt with the way she's been treating the Lord... as father elijah will say I have been "burning with jealous love for the Lord of hosts". But as much as i refused to show it i understood the meaning of why there is "great rejoicing in heaven" when one sinner returns to the house of the Lord. I was overwhelmed with the insticts of a shepherd finding a lost sheep and the father of the prodigal son running to embrace his son. Oh what joy! even if she were to choose to go lost again sooner or later.

I must pray the Teresian prayer that the Lord will "Give to the one who does not ask. Open the door to the one who does not knock. Heal the one who likes to be sick." Yes i understood that God's love is beyond the infidelity of the youth; our violation of chastity, insolence towards authority, love for harmful entertainment and even inidignance towards the Holy mass. I am filled with confidence that there is no sinner, the Lord cannot love, even those whose souls have resisted to His advances to repentance. It is then, as St Paul's letter will say today, "my duty to preach the gospel to them". This i am sure is the task the Lord has entrusted me to show them how much He loves them. I can only pray that He will give me the grace to "make myself a slave... and become all things to all men so that i may save some at any cost." Do you know what my reward is? My reward is that some of these kids will someday grow into wonderful children of God... no longer lost in darkness but filled with God's light. Yes I belive God is not so unjust as to determination, love and prayer i have put into these young ones. I am confident that He will reward me with the consolation that they will have a place in His garden of souls even though i may never be able to witness these fruits. I will rejoice with them in heaven when the Lord invite us into his kingdom.

Ok i actually wanted to give an account of my recollection at the seminary but i guess what i've just described is the fruits of discernment. I really really love the youth and if i'm convinced that it is God's will for me to be where i am at mentors and catechism. I still remember Ben and Joachim, my first children. Though they may have backtracked already, i still remember how at peace i was to minister to them.

Now back to the recollection. i have decided to not pen down my experiences of prayerful solace with the Lord or my conversations with Fr Alex, his instrument. I owe many apologies to him for my lack of trust in Him. How blessed it is that the good Lord does not leave the salvation and joy of those I love to a will as wretched as mine. It will suffice to say that I am once again certain of God's love and His will for me. What then is His will? If it is His will, He could instantly convert my parents into understanding ones and in an instant rebuild my relationship with them. If it is His will, He could simply whisper to his daughter and grant my prayers. If it is His will He could raise me up to the ranks of the rich and i will have little to worry about marriage. But no, I now know that His love is not so small for me. I understand the value of my destination/vocation is determined by what sort of a journey the Lord allows me to take. It is then His will that I do not know what the outcome of all that i'm going through will be. This unknowing is the scourge He has planned for me, that I may be disciplined to be better servant of His kingdom.

Lord... please give me the grace to always trust that you love me. The desires you have given me, i want to give them back to you. Dispense them to Your glory. For i now know that you never will for me to misery but joy and happiness, even if for the moment i must suffer.


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