Gate of Benjamin

Than Shwe's ironic penance

2009-03-10T11:25:00.002+08:00

So he shoots monks and build a pagoda? Remind me again... why is my country messed up?

I heard a homily about loving your enemy recently... do i really have to?

Waiting

2009-02-09T17:44:00.003+08:00

I just have a sudden awareness of how anxious/scared/excited/worried I am about waiting for the job/courses/other i have applied for.

AED hasn't gotten back to me yet... and MOE said 2-3 weeks...

I'm praying that God will console me after my DAFF rejection with a positive response. Prayer is my consolation. hehe another weak attempt at trying to be like Therese.

Vocation Recollection

2009-02-08T17:09:00.002+08:00

I have just come into office after a day of being "active" in church again. Cat class in the morning and Youth comissioning mass/workshop in the afternoon. It is indeed very apt that I was comissioned after the precious few moments with the Lord at the seminary. I saw Melissa (Lim) around in church and at the workshop, yes that mischeivious little imp and the lost sheep of mentors. I decided to have fun and ignore her all day but i must admit i'm quite overjoyed to see her around, hoping and praying that she'll come back to meet the Lord at mentors and at His table. I have actually been quite hurt with the way she's been treating the Lord... as father elijah will say I have been "burning with jealous love for the Lord of hosts". But as much as i refused to show it i understood the meaning of why there is "great rejoicing in heaven" when one sinner returns to the house of the Lord. I was overwhelmed with the insticts of a shepherd finding a lost sheep and the father of the prodigal son running to embrace his son. Oh what joy! even if she were to choose to go lost again sooner or later.

I must pray the Teresian prayer that the Lord will "Give to the one who does not ask. Open the door to the one who does not knock. Heal the one who likes to be sick." Yes i understood that God's love is beyond the infidelity of the youth; our violation of chastity, insolence towards authority, love for harmful entertainment and even inidignance towards the Holy mass. I am filled with confidence that there is no sinner, the Lord cannot love, even those whose souls have resisted to His advances to repentance. It is then, as St Paul's letter will say today, "my duty to preach the gospel to them". This i am sure is the task the Lord has entrusted me to show them how much He loves them. I can only pray that He will give me the grace to "make myself a slave... and become all things to all men so that i may save some at any cost." Do you know what my reward is? My reward is that some of these kids will someday grow into wonderful children of God... no longer lost in darkness but filled with God's light. Yes I belive God is not so unjust as to determination, love and prayer i have put into these young ones. I am confident that He will reward me with the consolation that they will have a place in His garden of souls even though i may never be able to witness these fruits. I will rejoice with them in heaven when the Lord invite us into his kingdom.

Ok i actually wanted to give an account of my recollection at the seminary but i guess what i've just described is the fruits of discernment. I really really love the youth and if i'm convinced that it is God's will for me to be where i am at mentors and catechism. I still remember Ben and Joachim, my first children. Though they may have backtracked already, i still remember how at peace i was to minister to them.

Now back to the recollection. i have decided to not pen down my experiences of prayerful solace with the Lord or my conversations with Fr Alex, his instrument. I owe many apologies to him for my lack of trust in Him. How blessed it is that the good Lord does not leave the salvation and joy of those I love to a will as wretched as mine. It will suffice to say that I am once again certain of God's love and His will for me. What then is His will? If it is His will, He could instantly convert my parents into understanding ones and in an instant rebuild my relationship with them. If it is His will, He could simply whisper to his daughter and grant my prayers. If it is His will He could raise me up to the ranks of the rich and i will have little to worry about marriage. But no, I now know that His love is not so small for me. I understand the value of my destination/vocation is determined by what sort of a journey the Lord allows me to take. It is then His will that I do not know what the outcome of all that i'm going through will be. This unknowing is the scourge He has planned for me, that I may be disciplined to be better servant of His kingdom.

Lord... please give me the grace to always trust that you love me. The desires you have given me, i want to give them back to you. Dispense them to Your glory. For i now know that you never will for me to misery but joy and happiness, even if for the moment i must suffer.

Cold feet

2009-02-06T12:03:00.001+08:00

I always never want to go for seminary recollections but the last one i reluctantly went for turned me upside down and screwed up all my plans...

Why do i have a nagging feeling something excruciatingly painful is going to happen again this time round? As much as i don't want to be a diocesan i seem to have developed a liking for the seminary (the building)... God always speaks to me there, sometimes even more than when i'm with the Carms...

God of all gentleness, God of all calm,
Your voice is contentment, Your presence is balm,

Grant me peace, not those momentary ones but one that lasts.

Beloved

2009-02-04T11:39:00.002+08:00

Where have you fled my beloved words?
And left me abandoned in my time of need
You who have been my shield and sword
Forsook mine senses and not intercede

Who now will weave my tale of love?
Or tell the story of my soul's longing?
Who now will carry this secret love,
To her for whom my soul is longing?

O heart aid you this despearate man?
You who moans with equal desire?
Will you trace the roads on which she ran?
That we may set her heart on fire.

Alas! kidnapped my heart this lady fair,
In daylight under my very eyes.
Beloved please keep your hostage with care
And quieten not its gentle sighs.

My mind is ever upon you beloved,
To rest I go with you in my song
I wait in hope for your voice beloved,
Each morn i wake for you i long.

Who will write this tale of love?
But the one who hears my prayers
Who will sing this song of love?
Of her, the answer to my prayers

Oh trinity of love, to you i turn
Will you author this book with mercy?
My senses frail yet my heart does burn
Lead me lord to its esctasy.

My beloved is in the clouds, yet here on earth,
Oh what joyful longing!
My beloved is in my heart, yet by the lake,
Oh hopeful longing!

I wait for my beloved in silent prayer.
Break not the heart you have stolen!

All Saints- The Novice; Prologue

2009-02-02T16:38:00.003+08:00

“O gloomy night of darkness,
A night whence evil prevail,
This love that he harnessed,
He goes forth to assail…”

A man of God… what must men do to belong to God? What trials must he face to prove his unconditioned allegiance to Him, free from all injuries of schism? On a dark night filled with yearnings, a young man braved storm and thunder, searching for his beloved. Where will his search lead him? Was his conviction one borne of love or a fool’s fickle musing? What was he truly looking for? These questions he must answer before his final profession into the Order. He prayed as he rode for the grace to remain faithful to God’s will, for his doubts plague his conscious. A light in the distance… He now approached his destination and his mission.

A woman of God… she was the bride of God Himself. She has welcomed with joy the trials before her, freed by these trials that she may give herself wholly to His will. On a bright noon filled with love, a young woman gave herself to be a virgin. She had found her destiny. She was convinced of her vocation. She continued to seek the will of God. Professed into her vocation she no longer questioned but accepted each day as a gift from God. The noon was over now and darkness approaches. She prayed for the grace to remain faithful for she sensed the night approached her blessed convent.

It was the night of destiny of what had been and what would be. God’s love was told that night amidst the wetness and gloom. He had arrived to do God’s will. He knocked upon the door as a guest in need. He entered the convent as a brother of peace. Secure in the heart of the holy home. He drew his daggers for it was God’s will. Sounds of thunder intertwined with wailing women yet nobody heard the noise. Blood, agony and death was the night’s purpose yet he had no remorse as he did it for God. What gave him the hardness of heart? What deluded him to do this task?

“In the name of the Holy Mother Church, you have been sentenced to immediate termination my dear sisters. God have mercy on your souls…”

Six lives he took of those whom he knew and did not know and when it came down to the last, he held his blade. He saw her eyes filled with sorrows but he knew it was not fear. He knew her too that she was not so weak.

“It is good to see you again Bethany,” he said, “though I trust you do not share the same pleasure.”

“What have you done? What have you become?” her feeble response was carried by a voice from the depths of her agony.

“I am merely fulfilling my vocation my dear, one which I have sought all my life. As you made sacrifices, I too have made sacrifices. As you have followed the Lord, I too am following the Lord. It is a pity your journey must end tonight.”

Her heart was breaking, and a well of tear sprung up from her throat to her eyes. The person she once knew was no more. She had only God to strengthen her in these final hours. She did not understand martyrdom to be a joyful affair as described by saints before her.

“Before you strike me, answer me this question…” she wanted to know. She had to know. She needed to find out if the man before her truly was the man she had known.

“Do you still love God?”

What will his answer be?...

Spiritual Mutant

2009-02-02T11:38:00.002+08:00

I can't hate you, yet i can't love you.
I can't bless you, yet i can't curse you.
I want to stay away from you, but i want to be near you.
I want you to hurt, but it hurts me to see you hurt.
I think you're selfish, but i know you gave your life for me.
I think you don't care, but know you do...

God of the universe, I no longer belong to you, yet i am yours
I have become worse than what i was before,
I have become nothing.

I am the instrument which you have discarded. You do not dispose of me but keep me on your shelf. You do not play nor tune me whilst you busy yourself with others. Yet i cannot leave, but i will forever remain worthless to you.

I am that child crying alone in your house. My siblings you busy yourself with yet my tears, you do not hear. You give me not one drop of attention. Yet I cannot leave your house.

I am that actor whose role you don't remember. How you applaud and smile upon the leads yet to me you pay no attention. I am that actor who wants to please you but am not rewarded even by a slight acknowledgement.

I am that lover whom you have forsaken. Many nights i yearn for you hopelessly yet you refuse to show me your love. I cry out for you while you busy yourself with others but you will not even glace at me. How long must i live only on memories of what we used to have?

I am that patient you have refused to heal. You have wounded me but deny me remedy. You leave me for death alone on my bed.

I am that boy in love with that girl, the one you chose for yourself. God of the universe you have deceived me, you have deceived me. You have seduced me yet deny me the joy. You have taken my heart and gave me back none. I have given you my all and you have given me nothing.

God of the universe, let us break up. If this is your will, at least give me that dignity and grace to hate you.

How many more times...

2009-01-29T10:59:00.002+08:00

do you intend to break my heart before you grant me peace...

You are the most impossible man i've ever met... if i ever make it to heaven i'm going to give you hell

Early morning Youtubing

2009-01-27T03:50:00.005+08:00

I think i can safely draw a few conclusions dropping out of these videos:

1) I love Burma
2) I love children
3) If ever I end up a priest, I want to be in rural Burma
4) I really should start hanging out with the Burmese community

Dear Jesus

2009-01-26T23:37:00.001+08:00

Lord all things are possible with you,
I beg you with all my heart,
please have mercy on me

our father

2009-01-26T08:48:00.002+08:00

Dear Neil,

It has been over a year since our last correspondance, and it is my sincere wish that you have been keeping well. O don't worry, this is not a pesky reminder of how much you owe me and how much you've hurt me when you decided to leave my side... that is the language of our enemy, I however am stronger than him... and much more generous. I write today because I can no longer bear to see you hurt by this... new master of yours. O what lies he has told you! You must be apprehensive of my love and compassion, given the elegant propagenda he has exposed you to, clearly defining me, your father, as a villian and a tempter. Now let us get to business and judge for yourself if I truly am such.

Let me begin with what you already know of me. I appeal to your logic, not your imaginations. I do not demand you to believe in a fiticious beliefs of grace and salvation but the beauty of your human intellect. You and i both know that such faith is true, and that he does exist, but what good is your faith if you do not place it in the right place through thorough delibration of your senses? Two years now you have dreamnt of doning a nice brown habit, which i personally find quite a work of art myself i must admit, only to find out how ridiculous a life of poverty, chastity and obedience is. Your blind faith has made you believe in a "call" that appealed to give some form of meaning in your life, even today you belive it is this blind faith and practise of your so called "spiritual discernment" that has led you to abandon the idea. My dear boy... you give yourself too little credit. It is your SENSES and REASON that made you abandon the idea. You have done something right for once even though you did not know it, that is depend on yourself to choose a way of life. I must say I am quite proud that you remembered so clearly the training i have given you...

Secondly let me elaborate a little on this noble mission of yours to... "save souls". Ahh yes you have a great love for humanity, as do i. Yet I fear the word love is not something that can be lightly defined. For this i urge you to look at this sudden love you have for your new master. How much time have you spent in useless idling you call "prayer"? How much effort have you spent serving in fruitless church ministry? How many people in need have you neglected simply to, as you say it "bring people closer to God"? In short, how much has your love for your master neglected you from those in real need? Now what you're doing is zapping people with a warm fuzzy feeling of knowing this new master of yours, and frankly that does not add a cent to their bank accounts, improve their qualities of life, or help them survive in the world one little bit. What you're simply doing is enslaving them more and more to their imagination that conjures "good feeling" to help them cope with life, but never truly facing life. Remember how you empowered your friends during your teenage days? YES that is true service! You are smarter than to be doing what you're doing but... to provide liberation to others you yourself must be liberated...

Ahh God's will... you must realize by now the lies you have been told, that true freedom is in doing God's will. I feel sorry for you my dear Neil... seeing how your foolish devotion has led you to much pain. How this so called unconditional "love" has caused you many wounds. Of course you console yourself by saying you're walking in the footsteps of the Nazarene but do you truly believe that you, a created being, will be given the same reward as his begotten son was? even if you do, can you truly bear to see face to face with someone who has caused your so much pain? Suffering is a part of life, truly, but you can choose to do it as a man or a slave. You my dear, are enslaved at this moment to your master's will. He has made you addicted to himself and has given you no option, no choice, no say against his whims and fancies. this is not good. you must break this addiction as soon as you can. Only then can you be truly free to live out your true dreams.

And lastly, let us speak of this little love affair you have entangled yourself in... ahh i can sense you fearing this topic even as i write this letter. You must admit that this is the biggest instrument your master has used to wound you and each day he will continue to do so until you are broken. Let's be realistic now... things will not get better. You are waiting like a hopeless prey waiting to be slaughtered. your master will prove his superiority and will not listen to you, he's just that stubborn you see... he will take her away from you, just as he did your cousin, and leave you with cursed agony to which only he has the remedy. this, i am afraid is how you will be further enslaved. Let me ask you now... is that how someone who respects you will treat you? Can you truly believe that such a deed is done... out of love for you?

Come back to me my dear neil... come back to me. You know that to truly posess freedom, glory and yes... women... is only through my teachings. Your maker has given you many gifts... do not waste them. See how I have taught charismatics to wield these gifts for their own glory in the name of the Nazerene when in fact they give glory to me. But you... you are different. I need not resort to subtlety in helping you find your way. See the priests that live on riches in the name of poverty? Or the ministers who wield power in the name of service? No... my plans for you are not so small... but i must insist on your consious consent. To posses a another person's soul is something beyond your capabilities... well for now. You must posess their mind, emotions and flesh. Only once you have mastered that, can you learn to possess someone's soul. You will be my instrument and there will be much rejoicing down below. You will be able to revenge all the pain your new master has caused upon you. Take this... as an open invitation...

With Affection,

Your Father Down Below

I Thirst

2009-01-20T23:56:00.000+08:00

for your love...

Dear Jesus

2009-01-16T11:25:00.003+08:00

Grant me poverty, that I may always long for Your love,
Grant me charity, that I may share this love,
Grant me purity, that I may be unconditional in my love,
Grant me wisdom, that I may be docile to Your will,
Grant me courage, that I may follow Your will,
Grant me humility, that I may always learn to trust in You and You alone.

...Patience obtains everything...

Solos Dios Basta

You know what i want, but not by my will but by Your will.

Unto Moria

2009-01-06T15:15:00.005+08:00

Unto Moria said the Holy One,
Three days on foot, I have walked in despair,
For there He bids me "Sacrifice your son",
The son He provided, to be my heir.

Moria! cried my son in glee
To God he bids his voice to sing
I kept silent, for he shall see
The God, for whom this son i bring

Atop the mountain, my heart exclaim,
This stabbing sorrow, the will of my God
Yet beyond the pain, my soul proclaim,
That He is my God, my love and my Lord.

Submit my soul, to the Lord of love,
Surrender my soul, to the Lord of hope,
Give in your mourning, unto divine dove,
With Him sing praises,a song of hope

Be crushed now, O wheat of my soul,
Be broken now, O vines of my soul,
A humble bread, you will soon be,
Wine of joy, you will soon be.

For the Lord will ever be your groom
Raise you as His triumph over all gloom,
Go now! Good and faithful servant
In furnace of salvation, you shall be sent.

Oh angels, won't you come to my aid?
Console me please for i'm afraid.
As at Moria joy unto Abraham brought,
As with Tobit as his love he sought
Oh angels, won't you come to my aid?

My life is in your hands O Lord,
I have obeyed, i now doth suffer.
My life is close to your heart O Lord
Afflicted and weak, from all i suffer.
My life is at your mercy O Lord
Have mercy Lord, please have mercy.

May Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven

Nostaligia (Duet)

2008-12-30T00:14:00.002+08:00

A song i heard when i was 14...

Guilt Trip Part 2

2008-12-29T16:56:00.001+08:00

My heart is very heavy...

I don't even know what to write here anymore...

Guilt Trip la la la

Happy Birthday

2008-12-29T11:07:00.003+08:00

I'm supposed to be working, but i need an outlet. It's my mother's birthday and i made her cry. Why? because of a letter i wrote. And guess what! my father joined the mourning. why? all because i simply am a family tragedy.

I abandoned my faith, did horrible things and lied to them. If i keep lying to them at least they will be happy, but now that i've told them the truth, they can't handle the truth.

Jesus, you said the truth will set me free. Then set them free for God's sake! You taught me to honour my mother and father and i've tried my best, what the heck more do you want me to do? You've robbed her off joy on her 50th birthday all because you called me to follow you. They're on death's door and you expect them to mourn over my sins? I should have bloody well kept up the lying and let them die in peace. I hate blaming you, and i know it's not fair. But it's not fair on me either! Yes i made mistakes and i'm bearing the consequences of my sins but they're MY sins let me do it myself. Please Lord, spare them the pain. Sometimes i try to relate my family life too you but i simply can't. You had it easy with Mary and Joseph, and God as your father. My parents are neither Joseph nor Mary, neither am i anything like you.

You said unless i hate my mother and my father, I'm not fit to be your disciple. Heck i understand that now. Following you has rapidly led me into a blood bath with them. So much for bring joy and peace... All i ever want for them is to be happy. Following you is making them unhappy. It's my own damn fault that i try to follow you, maybe i should just trying so hard. Maybe i should just go back home and become whatever they want me to be. But "you have seduced me and i have allowed myself to be seduced". You are the reason of my suffering and their suffering. You are the reason of my pain and their pain. You are the reason she has to cry on her birthday. You are the reason i have become the son who makes them disgusted with themselves.

This is such a bleak bleak Christmas. I don't think i'll be very merry just imagining what my parents are going through. You O Lord, are an impossible creature to please.

Christmas Night

2008-12-26T21:31:00.002+08:00

Away in a mountain, he shivers in cold,
O chill of dreaded fear!
Through trials and tests, his story unfold,
O His love is near!
The night is cold, the night is dark,
Love is his warmth, Christ is his light,
This Christmas night, O night so dark,
May Christ ever be your light.

Amidst the city, he watches the stars,
O light of joyful hope!
His longings and missions, no longer far,
O God prepare his heart!
The stars shine bright, the stars give sight,
Hope is his strength, Christ is his might,
This Christmas night, O night so bright,
May Christ ever be your might.

Alone in a church, she prays for comfort,
O God of love save her!
Her body is tired, her heart is torn
O God grant her your peace!
Trials of body, she knows no rest,
Faith is her hope, Christ is her peace
This Christmas night, O night of tests,
May Christ ever be your peace.

Adorned in joy, she waits her groom,
O joyful feast of love!
Her troubles joyful, her heart his room,
O God bless these children!
She dances in faith, She dances in hope
Love is her song, Christ is her love
This Christmas night, O night of hope,
May Christ ever be your love.

Alone by the lake, he bows in prayer,
O night that leads his heart!
He smiles in joy, yet sighs in fear
O night his only strengh!
Agony his hope, love his sorrow,
Peace is his night, Christ is his night,
This Christmas night, O night so narrow
May Christ ever be your night.

O night, when Word was made flesh,
O night, when angels sang for joy,
O night, when shepheards tasted hope,
O night, when Mary pondered love,
O night, when the star did shine,
O night, that led to the cross of Christ,
O night, that softly calls our heart
O night, ever be our guide.

Show me Lord

2008-12-23T20:12:00.000+08:00

Ex communication

2008-12-22T23:21:00.002+08:00

Ahh Exgirlfriends, you can never get enough of them. For me it's just one particular girl, but it is emotionally, mentally and spiritually tiring dealing with her.

Dear Jesus, I love you, and i've never been so thankful that You saved me from my last relationship. I see it clearly where it would have led me to... eternal damnation on earth and for eternity. Yet if i can but bring one drop of Your love to her, how much joy You could give her. I have nothing but the prayers to heal her from the wounds she has collected from the past, wounds of the present and trials that await her future. May she grow to love you too someday. But i have a problem...

Why Lord am i so haunted by the fact that I can never be a man that any "normal" woman could possibily love. By normal i mean those souls deeply afflicted with an insatiable thirst for material possessions and those who measure a person's worth by the salary he earns. I'm quite poor Lord and my skills are little. I get so afraid that if You do call me to married life, i'm totally handicapped to provide the material security to my spouse and children. It's quite disheartening. To be honest it's the reason sometimes i feel i want to join religious life. Married life is too hard, the sacrifices are so big, the expectations are so exhausting to fulfill. Yet i know that's not what you ask of me, but that's simply what the world is asking of any man that he be successful to be labeled "decent". By that standard i probably fall into the catergory of "pathetic".

Sigh... Lord where am i going wrong? I'm not scrambling to find pennies yet i feel the work i do is practically leading me nowhere. At the same time i have a creeping insecurity that i only have a diploma and that simply isn't good enough. That's the underlying problem lord, i've already plummeted my self worth because i don't have a degree and i don't earn enough. I know it's not the healthiest way to feel because they make me lose sight of You but i can't deny that my low self esteem is oozing from this fact. I try my best Lord, I really do... but circumstances put me where I am. I'll even quit smoking, i really will try yet at the same time i'm so eager to give up hope. I don't want to run away and enter religious life simply because of this silly defect! No! I want to become a man fit to worship you and stand in your presence! I want to live up to my name, to belong to You! Please Lord... help me to accept who i am, where i am and the circumstances i am in. I love You Lord, You are my saving help.

Guilt Trip

2008-12-22T18:46:00.002+08:00

While feebly attempting to convince a friend that guilt trips aren't healthy, i seem to have taken myself through one. Conclusion: Guilt trips are evil (especially if you're backpacking and being your own tourguide). Here's a few destinations i visited.

1. Great Wall of Deception (what horrible lies i've told)
2. The Tower of Prideon (yep it's very tall and i got stuck on top!)
3. San Insecuritio Bridge (did i do the right thing? did i do the wrong thing? argh i shouldn't have!)

Meh i figured i'd stop there but I'm still a bit disturbed though. I'm just very scared that i'm offending the Lord and straying ppl away from His plans. ARGGHHH!!!

:(

guilt trip...

My consolation

2008-12-21T23:56:00.002+08:00

is darkness.

This weekend's gospel is one truly close to me heart.

"Behold the handmaid of the Lord."

My last post resonated the 1st reading. David wanting to build a house for the Lord. What a swift response to my thoughts! If only i could be more like Mary and with love respond, knowing that i'm nothing without the Lord.

Being a true Carmelite, the Fr Thomas went on to speak of the darkness that follows everytime we say "Yes" to the Lord. I've come into a darkness and thus that's a consolation i guess. At least it's a small assurance that i have said yes somewhere along the way.

Penitential blues

2008-12-20T00:31:00.002+08:00

I'm reminded today why i prefer to go for 1 on 1 confessions instead of penitential services. After much examination of conscious, prayer and preparation, i had a time allowance of confessing 1 of the 3 sins i wanted to confess before the priest absolved me of ALL my sins. I somewhat feel either i shortchanged the Lord or i got shortchanged :( meh... at least i didn't get another "go rethink your life" penance.

speaking of which the service did get me thinking a bit. I was reminded on why the priesthood attracted me, and it was all thanks to St Therese. Liz always talk of a love that is meant not just for a family but for many, and it had always got me wondering if God will ever give me such a grace. But it appears the love that the Lord has put in my heart is not a general one but a very specific love for those whom nobody wishes to love.

Like Therese, i at times feel "consumed by a thrist for souls". Yes I have a love for the most horrible of sinners; the murderer, the adulters, the rapists, the child rapists, the thief, those who abuse power. I admire the works of the priests and religious around me, i really do, but all i think that even if we can but "snatch away the soul of one grave sinner", there will be such great rejoicing in heaven. If i may fantasize a bit, I wish to look into the eyes of Robert Mugabe and tell him how much God loves him, I want to dine with the generals of burma and preach to them the love of God, I want to do penance for the repose of Hitler's soul, i want to be there to welcome home the souls of such great sinners for despite the many many sins they commit, i see how much peril their souls must be facing and thus needs much attention! It is easy to love and sympathise with someone who has been a victim of such crimes but how poor the souls of the perpetuators. I want to bring Jesus to them, how beautiful it will be to celebrate mass with those poor souls on death row! To hear the confessions of prostitues and bring home those inflamed with sinful passions to be quenched by God's eternal Spirit.

But i'm sucha little soul who can't even reach out effectively to juvenile deliquints. What i have described is the castles in the skies i wish to build for the Lord but there is a reality check on my own limitations as well as the agendas of the different dioceses/orders. I am very aware that obedience will bind me from most of such ideals not to mention the clerical and lay politics which will probably create a scandal in no time.

I should also indicate that this experiece came right after a brief encounter with a couple of Japanese kids at Jocelyn's place! I seem to be suddenly and instictively beginning to develop paternal instincts along with my desire to raise a holy family to offer up to the Lord. Yes married life has been crossing my mind alot these days as well. To embark on a journey of mutual sanctification with a spouse, to instruct and nurture God's little souls to bear fruits for His glory. To shout out the world around through the marriage that "God alone is sufficient."! How i wish to raise up my family as a beacon in this materilistic and self serving world that it is God who will give true joy to those who love Him. Yes... I want to lead souls of my family to love Him above all things that this domestic church will inflame God's love in the world to lead souls to love no longer the things of this world but hope for the eternal reward that awaits them in heaven that is, the Lamb of God Himself.

Dear Jesus, shepherd of my heart and vocation. These are the plans i have for you but they're "only a shadow of your plans for us.". My life is in Your hands Lord. What do You will of me? How do you wish for me to glorify the Father through You? I love You Lord, to You be highest glory and praise forever.

An early Christmas gift

2008-12-18T14:35:00.002+08:00

I've just finished my assigned tasks for the day and was quite bored, when i started franticly looking for the date for Feast of Holy Innocents. It fell on a Sunday so we won't be celebrating it this year it seems :(. Anyways it triggered a memory of a dream i had recently which i count as a precious gift from God, which i've recorded here as a story.

* * * *

One dark night, a young man decided to walk down a familiar path. A breezy chill swept across his face, carrying with it many memories which he can no longer remember. He was searching for something that did not exist, and remembering moments that never happened. At a distance he could see what he was looking for, but he no longer knew what it was nor did he care. The night was dark and he stood still. A lit cigarette was his sole companion.

"Let us go to him.", said the Lord, "Let us make him remember"

"Let us go to him.", said the Lamb, "Let us make him feel forgiven"

"Let us go to him.", said the Spirit, "Let us make him feel consoled"

"Let us go to him.", said the saints, "Let us bring the Lord to him."

The night was dark, yet he stood still.
The darkness consumed the path, yet he stood still.
The darkness absorbed all surroundings, yet he stood still.
The heavens turned off its lights, yet he stood still.

And then from the depths of his soul... a light, it was the light of the Lord.

in the light he saw a child, his eyes teared...
in the light he heard her cry, his body shuddered...
in the light he smelt her fragrance, his heart ached...
in the light he tasted her tears, his breath ceased...
in the light he felt her pain, he dropped to his knees and cried,
No longer able to stand the light of the truth.

It was then, that a radiant dawn shone upon the land and before him stood two youthful figures elegantly dressed in white. The older was a boy with blue eyes and and short hair. His gentle disposition showered the ground with particles of charity and his zeal burned the air with sparks of love. The younger one held his hand tightly. She was but a toddler yet so filled with love and wisdom that all childishness seemed to have been shurgged off completely. She was a little child who had been filled with nothing but the love of her God and what a beautiful sight it was! They both smiled upon the young man with a love so great that he dared not stand before them.

"Do not be afraid.", said the older saint, "Though mother and father forsake her, her God is ever faithful. She has been washed by the blood of the Lamb, she is a virgin!"

"Be glad for me, for I am now with the Father.", continued the younger one, her voice full of joy, "So will you be one day and i look foreward to it. I will prepare a place for you and we will go together to see the Lamb."

With that they began walking away. The young man finally found the courage to stand up and run after them, screaming "Take me with you!". But he was too late. Then a voice came from the clouds.

"You place is here. You may not be able to do great things, but do every little thing for the glory of God. Be a witness to His love, mercy, compassion and forgiveness."

* * *

I woke up to my usual wake up call. I prayed in my heart...

St Dominic Savio... pray for us

Judith... I love you

I'm burning...

2008-12-18T10:42:00.002+08:00

with jealous love for the God of Burma. I'm jealous that my people have forsaken the Lord, that her leaders have traded compassion and love for greed and corruption, that the poplace has been pushed to a poverty and resentment, that the social, political and economic fabric has eroded to a state that robs us off our dignity to live in justice.

What am i doing...

2008-12-17T11:49:00.002+08:00

Lord, sometimes i wonder if i'm offending You by doing what i'm doing, feeling what i'm feeling.

Please Lord, let my heart be not hardened but inflamed with Your love. If it truly is the priesthood You've prepared for me then You better start helping me hear that call because i seem to be very eager to close that door, not out of fear but because i'm finding something else alot more attractive than the holy priesthood. Well not that i have much of an option there but if You will it, i truly desire it and i'm quite willing to pour my heart to it. I really can't say the same about religious life anymore =/. Did i lose my way or did you bring me here? I'll bring this up at my next sacred hour with you i guess...

But i guess at the end of the day, i just want to please you. I really hope my desires are not getting in my way... Whatever lah Lord, just help me to hear your will, take it to heart and do it. That's enough for me.

Oh and if it's possibile i could use some help with my career =D... I mean if you call me to marriage i'll have to provide for my family right? I can't expect my possible wife to take a vow of poverty! that's madness!

A long long time ago

2008-12-16T21:48:00.002+08:00

There used to be a boy called Nyi Nyi. He was always top in class! and his mother was very proud of him. He was proud too and worked very hard to do well in his exams. He had many friends too! His mother told him that he was special. She said he was destined for big big dreams! He believed every word of it and always dreamed of becoming a doctor someday. One day he had to leave to a place far far away. Nyi Nyi was very sad but excited!

"I will come back as a doctor someday, and treat people in my country!", he said.

But things turned out very very bad. He was no longer top in his new class. He did not have any friends anymore. Nyi Nyi was very very sad. Then he became a bad boy and stopped working hard. He told naughty lies to his mother and did many naughty things too. Slowly and slowly he became a horrible person and nobody liked him.

Jesus saw that he was very bad but He also saw that he was very sad. Jesus came to Nyi Nyi one day and said, "Hey, want to play?". Nyi Nyi saw that Jesus had the most shiny smile. He thought Jesus had a funny beard too!

"Ok... but you won't like me." Nyi Nyi said, and went to play with Jesus.

Nyi Nyi was very naughty. He tried to cheat many times but Jesus was too clever. He hit Jesus many times but Jesus forgave him everytime. After a while, Nyi Nyi was exhausted but Jesus was still smiling.

"Come on! Let's keep playing!" Jesus said.

Nyi Nyi was too tired to play already and said,

"Jesus, i'm very tired already. I want to go back and rest but thank you for playing with me."

But Jesus would not let Nyi Nyi go and said,

"I know! why don't i take you to my place! You can rest there and after that we can play with all my friends! But you must do some things before you come"

Nyi Nyi went along with Jesus. He lived in a big beautiful house! When the reached the door Jesus asked Nyi Nyi to wait and went into the house. After a while Jesus came out with a big bucket of water! Jesus poured it on Nyi Nyi and he felt very fresh! So Nyi Nyi went in and lived with Jesus all his life!

Nyi Nyi never became a doctor. His old friends became very very rich, but Nyi Nyi stayed poor. His old friends became very very popular but Nyi Nyi was just and ordinary boy. His old friends lived in big houses but Nyi Nyi only had small room.

"Oh poor little Nyi Nyi." they said, "He must be very sad to not have pretty cars and big houses."

but Nyi Nyi smiled and said,

"I don't need big houses, nor pretty cars. I don't need people to think I'm rich. I have something better than all these. I have a friend called Jesus!"

Trust His Heart

2008-12-15T16:43:00.003+08:00

"The eyes of the Crucified gaze upon you..."

Gentle Jesus, my love and meaning of my life. To You am i sworn loyalty. To You alone am I to praise, revere and give glory. You have clothed me with salvation and redemption from my past. You have baptised me into a new creation. Yet what will you see O Lord, when you gaze upon me? I dare not look upon this cross, my only hope. I dare to return Your gaze. It is You who searches my heart and knows my secret sins, the wickedness of the person of who i am. I hate myself Lord, I hate myself. I despise my sins and the person they mould me to be. Do not look upon me. Get away from me for i am a sinful man... unworthy to stand in your presence, an unfit sight for Your perfect eyes.

"...they question you and appeal to you..."

Oh silly child... look up and see. Look upon body hanging on the cross. Look upon these hands that bled for you. Look upon this crown that piercing my skull. Look upon my Heart that bleeds for you. Trust my Heart. What sin will i not forgive? What wounds can I not heal? What weaknesses can My grace not empower? I see your sins, little one, i see your sins. Which sinner will my Father deny? you who have recourse to my sacrifice, you who loves me from the depths of your soul... why do you hide? Come! I will wash you with my blood, you shall be a saint!

"...Do you wish seriously to renew your alliance with Him?..."

My Lord and my God! what worth have i to be called your friend? You who are all good, all mighty and all wise... i who am all evil, all weak and all foolish. i call you master and you rightly are so, yet you call me friend. Send me your Spirit O Lord, send me Your Spirit. You who have so few friends... help me to be a good one. Let me love you my God no longer just in words, but in my mind, will and actions. I beg you Lord, create in me the fountain of life you promised the Samaritan woman at the well. A fountaion from which i may draw Your love all the days of my life. I want my soul to be united to You always. I want my sinfulness to be cast away in this intimate union. Help me Lord to make a straight path for you. Let me not give into idleness to work for my salvation. Hear me my friend and answer me... for it is You who will save me. If You should abandon me Lord... whom will i have?

"...What will your response be?..."

Do you seriously wish to renew your alliance with Me? Do you truly from the depths of your soul seek My Spirit? Do you wish to drink this water of life? Then drink from this cup I give you. Trust my bleeding Heart. Follow me into this dark night and you will see My Love glowing from within. When your heart bleeds like mine, then you will find perfect love. The blood shed will wash your soul and draw you to Myself. In your lonliness in night of My garden, you will find Me waiting for you. You will shed tears of joy when you see My Face. You will belong to Me, and I to you. Yours will be the heavens and earth, yours will be saints and angels, yours will be My very own mother. I myself will be yours. I will be your God and you will be my friend. What will your response be? Will you risk this darkness to find My light? Will you take this cross I have destined you to? Will you trust my heart which bleeds for you?

"...Lord to whom shall i go? You have the words of eternal life."

To whom shall i go Lord, but You? Whom can i trust but You? Look not on my sins Lord but let me be with You this dark night. When all senses fail, please be my refuge. When the cold makes me shiver in fear, let me find warmth in Your embrace. When the road is weary let me rest in You. When the beasts attack me, be my ward. Let my heart bleed with Yours, my God. Sanctify my soul and let me ever be faithful to this cross. You have led me where i am, You have called me to Yourself. I have no compass, no map. No silver, no gold. No sandals no cloth. Ah! I've found it! Your love is my guide tonight until i see Your face. I love You Lord, do with me as You please.

Jesus, my God, my brother and my friend. Let me wrestle with You lovingly until You give me Your blessings. Let me contend with You this night until You bend my heart to do Your will. As You love me despite my sins, i will love You always even if you lead me to stand before the grave.

Cry

2008-05-13T12:24:00.002+08:00

My Lord and my God, I cry to You all night long yet the dawn do not carry Your rays.
I cry Father, from the depths of the grave amidst those who hate me.
The accuser stands at my right Lord, and on my left death.
Why do you not answer my Father? I know You love me.

My enemy in the faces of my brothers, how he distracts me from their true faces!
My enemy within my body, how he misleads my every action!
My enemy in the depths of my heart, how i despise his presence!

Save me Lord, for You are my friend,
My refuge from the accuser's snares.
I trust in Your mercy, my beloved Christ
By Your precious Blood cleanse me once more.

La Fantome de L'Opera

2007-09-14T16:03:00.000+08:00

Gaston Leroux...

how is it that this French man wrote a such a simple story that inspired a timeless musical?

I have never been a big fan of musicals but it was the novel that compelled me to the theatre. How surprising it is that, this man's imagination captivates a large potion of my life and emotions. Or rather is it that my love for this story that injected such sentiments that I relate to each character so well?

I imagine myself as the phantom and feel the intensity of his lonliness, as Christine and share in her helplessness, as Raul and appreciates his confusing selflessness. I would rather have had Christine ended up with the phantom personally. That would have been a happy ending.

I slipped my thoughts to my old friend momentarily today. It was then that I realized how hard I tried to stop thinking about her, fearing myself to fall into an emotional fit as I usually do. It has been many years since we parted yet, as the song from phantom goes, I still think of her fondly after we've said good bye.

Lord how do You view this past I had gone through? What do You will to teach me through the sustained memories? Forgive me Lord, for I have demonized this relationship out of my own convenience, for even beyond my sins of lust and possessiveness, there had been moments of I thank You for letting me experience; the times I shared love with her genuinely, the pains we endured for one another and how you allowed me to finally truly love her when the relationship was long over. It is my prayer, O Lord, that You bless and keep her close to You.

My Lord I thirst for love, for it was this thirst that ignited the relationship of two years, yet Lord I did not know how to love for I had yet to open my eyes and heart to receive Your mercy. It saddened me Lord that I failed the relationship but the remorse was due to a plight of evil bourne out of a possessive desire. It saddens me now, Lord, that I failed to to reflect Your love for her then, that my sinful attitude towards her had failed to revive the relationship. Lord my soul had been restless without Your love, and I praise You for revealing to me Your glory.

I still thirst Lord, for love. Thirst for more of Your love and for the love of Your church. How little I have to offer to You my God, and how plenty the greed that I wish to keep Your grace for myself and not for Your greater glory. Yet my heart thirsts to serve You to build Your church. I fear rejection Lord, from my brothers and sisters, from those I love but I fear most of all rejection from You. Do not hide Your face from me, for to not see and hear You is hell in itself.

Where do You want me Lord? Where can I find the peace this world cannot give? Sometimes I just want to rest in Your love, my God as Mary so fondly did. How I long to see Your face unveiled from the sacraments and hear Your voice unchanneled through scripture. How I long to see Your children love one another as You love us. How I long for the courage and conviction to give myself to You and Your children.

When I was lonely and unloved, You loved me. When I was trapped in prison, You saved me. When I recklessly searched for love, You allowed me to stand in Your presence. How great You are, my God... only now do I understand that I longed for her love because I longed for You and I longed to love her for I was made in Your image. I pray Lord that Your grace will be my strength against the temptations of sins in all my relationships in present as well as the brothers and sisters You have prepared for me ahead.

Will You heal me my God, from my inequities and give me the courage to carry my cross and follow You?

Will You grant me Your love and spirit that I shall never thirst again?

Will You open my heart to know that You already have done them all for me?

FELLOWship

2007-09-05T17:28:00.000+08:00

You won't find any youth group that doesn't have promises of fellowship in their publicity these days. While the intention is usually a good one, I find it largely disturbing at how the term "fellowship" is notoriously abused in our minds.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an anti-social that preaches hermithood. A ministry without a community is practically a dead ministry, and fellowship is vital if not critical part of community life. What I do however strongly stand for is the preservation of the Christian spirit of fellowship. Ask any random person in the church, what a fellowship is and he'll most likely answer, "Oh it's a time for socializing and having fun.". I'll argue to you that's not it.

We live in a world of black and white, 1 and 0, spiritual and secular, prayer time and fun. Last Friday a speaker at amplify advocated the marriage of Christian spirituality into our everyday lives which I truly commend him for sharing. So if we follow the mathematical formula in trying to define what fellowship means, it'll probably look something like this:

fun + friends = fellowship

The pitfall of such a mentality is that we limit ourselves to stop there. If you truly ponder over the role of fellowship as potrayed in scripture, it has never been merely an avenue for Christians to eat drink and be merry. In fact Paul never failed to persistantly warn the early churches against an excess of leisure.

Am I then saying that anything fun is bad?

No rather I'm saying that being overly fond of the fun factor has a dangerous tendency to blind us from the true objective of why we gathered to celebrate life (which definitely need its fair share of entertainment!). This is where I challenge you to examine your conscious;

Does I go to church just to make friends?

Do I treat my ministry as though it is an outlet to socialize?

Do I truly make an effort to grow in love with my community during fellowships or do they just happened to be there?

Do I sincerely enjoy my fellow brothers and sisters for who they are or do I have an agenda in befriending them?

Do I treat people outside my ministry with the same kind of love I treat my fellow members?

Having said that, and establishing that fellowship is not suppertime at kopitiam, let's discuss what fellowship is then. When Jesus sends out his 72 disciples, He sent them in pairs. He didn't not will that a man go forth alone and carry out his ministry but that he will always have a partner to encourage him when the going gets tough. He knew that a man is weak on his own and the most dreaded foe is usually is the wickedness of his own heart. How often we wonder in our ministries questions like "Why can't things go this way?", "Where is God while I'm doing His work!?", "I knew I wasn't worthy enough for this task." and ultimately "I give up!".

We start off with frustration, then anger,unworthiness and ends at abandonment. The devil achieves this by exploiting a number of our weeknesses like pride, laziness, lust etc. It's at these times of "spiritual lows" that we need our brothers and sisters to encourage us to keep running the good race and correct us if we're going down the wrong path(like being a self-righteous stubborn donkey). As God the Father, right in the beginning said "It is not good for men to be alone", and resounded by the vocation Barnabas (no not the criminal, the guy that lost the lot to Matthias as the 12th apostle), as the greatest encourager of the Church!

For this to happen, it requires a number of ingrediants. For starters we need a commnity, but not in the sense that it's merely a group of people clustered together. Here is where I point you to the relationship of the Holy Trinity. Absolute trust, respect, humility, obediance and love. In a secular sense people gather together all the time! From multinational companies, political parites and support groups to dance clubs, terrorism and orgies. If in our fellowship our objective is to live the moment and enjoy ourselves, then truly we're not very different from the rest of the world now are we?

A Christian fellowship calls for love, the kind of love that the Lord loved us with. The kind of love that demands humility to wash one another's feet and strip ourselves in Calvary.The kind of love that shares our very being and lives with our brothers and sisters, for the Lord didn't not hold back even His blood to find us a way to the Father. It's the way of the cross, and the Lord walked it, so we too must share our lives and grow in service with one another. Our experiences, our comforts, our talents, our tears, our joys and everything that the Lord has blessed us with, so that we too may be a blessing to others. Christian fellowship calls for Christ at our centre. Only then when the storm comes our way, will we have the courage to forgive, accept and nourish one another, as we boldly proclaim that the bond between each member in the fellowship is not an agenda, a common interest and not even a church ministry but Christ Jesus who loves us to His death on the cross.

So next time you go for a fellowship, I urge you brothers and sisters to keep in mind that the carousals and entertainment is not the fellowship but merely a means to attain and celebrate that your fellowship, which has been purchased for us all with His most precious blood. Pray to the Lord for blessings on your meals and gatherings that He will guide every participant to grow in love and trust for one another in His Holy Spirit. That when tentions arise, you be protected from pride to grant you the courage to be humble to love your brother or sister all the same. Always seek to love one another, for it is by this fellowship of love, that all men shall know that you are the Lord's disciple.

Amen.

A Tale of Neil's Story- Part One, Prologue

2007-09-04T11:41:00.000+08:00

My name at birth was Nyi Nyi Htut.

Eventually evolved to Neil Htut.

Ultimately to Dominic Neil Nyi Nyi Htut.

Many know my name but not my story. Some remember my story but not my name. I find no need to recount a narration, for facts of my journey hold as little meaning today as a fool's musing. It is the gaps in my story that I wish to find, finer details only one person could possibily know.

Lord I turn to you to illuminate my mind and direct my thoughts. Come to my aid to relive my short life and help me to seek You in amongst my past. I come to You, my Lord and God, my past, present and future. May You grant me the wisdom to thank You for each blessing, contrition for each sin, and moral courage to learn from every mistake.

This is not a story of my life, but a tale of the story of my life. The deeper essence of my call and God's saving hand that ought to be remembered as I discern over the paths I have chosen to in the past, the choices I have in the present and the call of God to which I should commit my future. Come Holy Spirit, fill my mind with Your sanctifying powers and bless this journey I will be taking, not for my glory but for Yours. Into Your hands I commend my spirit.

Part 1- A child's playground
Prologue: Abraham's covenant

It is the most unlikely of couples, for the daughter of a well respected doctor to wed an orphan struggling to make a living. Little do I know of my parents but enough conclude their lives have not been an easy one. Yet despite all their struggles, the Lord blessed them with many gifts, which they in turn blessed me with. What covenent did He make with them, that they raised themselves up to stand out in their love? Amidst the daily difficulties faced in Burma, never did they have to worry about having enough to live a day. Were it not for their love for their children, luxury and riches will lay waste at their feet. Yet they freely chose to be poor in material to entrust every penny to my education. What desire did You implant in their hearts Lord, that despite having never met You, they still have such capacity to love this ungrateful son? I praise You for Your blessings and beg for Your forgiveness for neglecting these beautiful people You have gifted me with. For it was through them that You nourished me, body and spirit, through them that I first encounted Your love.

Before I was in my mother's womb, the Lord had called me to His church. My parents studied in catholic schools, St John's and St Anthony's. A few years before my birth, they were stationed in Rome for a good while. It was through these experiences that they developed a fond attraction for the Italian culture (especially the food!). Thus they shared with me these memories during my growing years sparking curiousity followed by a boy's day dream; of cathedrals and rites, nuns and monks, devils and angels. It was not until I was about twelve years old that my mother shared her own experience with the Blessed Mother, whose intercessions saved my brother's life. Was it then Lord, that You revealed to them Your glory? It was my mother's confident endorsement in Our Lady's intercession that later saved a wretch like me.

However, they never left their roots of Buddhism, a religion they imparted unto me. Even in this sphere of faith outside His church, the Lord never failed to build up my parents. The pride they took in their faith, and their abundant respect for tradition blossomed integrity amidst corruption and generosity untainted by famine. Alas, God's grace does not fully flow in their faith, for our family was plagued with jealousy, lust and pride. Thus God prepared for me the ground on which I was to train my conscious and trails that challenge me to this very day with the hopes of making me grow.

Such was Your will for me O Lord, that I be born into a place with sheer resemblence of the Jerusalem You walked on. You breath my being into a family a little less than luxury but much more than poverty in material, rich in spirit yet poor in wisdom, a piller of strength with weak foundation. It was then my Lord, that my soul began searching for You to make me whole.

Gethsmane

2007-08-27T16:52:00.000+08:00

Each passing thought of disposing this blog always seems to be echoed by a revisitation of posts I scribed over the years. They stand as today as Normandies of my journy, marking precisely the wickedness of heart and the occasional life that was reflected by His grace.

O Lord did you stand by me helplessly in those dark hours? Did my voulentary sins compel fresh wounds to Your most Sacred Heart? Does the life of sin I lead today continue to anger You? Yet I know Lord, in the glory of your most Divine Mercy, You stood by me and prayed "Father forgive him for he knows not what he does.". But Lord I know exactly what I do now. I sin O Lord, not out of ignorance but out of the evil that dwells within me. Is it the devil that tempts me or is it that my own affection for sin has invited him to dwell in me? Do you still not anger my Lord and my God? That your child with perfect knowledge of things that offend You, still choose to fall in love with death? Lord my soul resonates the same words Peter spoke to you on the boat.

"Leave me Lord, for I am a sinful man."

Yet in Your Love for man, You stand faithfully waiting. Who am I Lord that You, the creator of what lies within, below and above earth, should care to wait on me? My past was not where You wished me to be. My present unworthy of your sight. My future tainted and darkened by my human will and rebellion against You. Strike me Lord, for I eat from the tree of knowledge. Adam's disobeidience, I relive each passing moment.

Did You Lord not banish men from Eden?

Did You Lord not punish the folley of those in Sodom?

Did You O my loving God, not punish those who worshipped a calf carved from gold?

If this world is in You and You in it, where then do I hide from your wrath? To whom do I run to avoid your punishment? You search me and You know me Lord, all my thoughts lie open to Your gaze. How mysterious, Your Love for men! For You have allowed me to live despite my offenses. You nourish my afflicted body with the healing breath of Your Spirit. You do not wish for me to die in sin but that I be converted and live. Who am I Lord that You, the alpha and omega, should choose to wash my feet!? O Lord wash not only my feet but also my head and hands!

I am void and has no form. Create in me light and darkness. Appoint the greater light to govern my day so that I may sing praises to you with my very being. Appoint the lesser light along with his little ones so that they may guide me back to Your holy presence. Remind me Lord that I am nothing without You! That Your Mother herself stands atop the lesser light and intercedes for my wretched soul. I worship you Lord Jesus! Grant me Lord Your Spirit! Spirt Lord hover over my devastated being and in Your mercy, create in me a love for You so that I may carry out your greatest commandments!

Forgive me Lord for my secret sins and channel unto me the most amazing grace that reconciled men to You. Let me share with You, O Eternal Priest, Your passion, victimhood and resurrection. Cover me Lord, with You Most Precious Blood, through which You have purchased my salvation. Heal me O Lord from the muteness of my sins, so that I may proclaim glory to you as Your servant Zacharias. Help me Lord to glorify you with my life! O Loving Father have mercy on me for the love of Your Son whose sacrficed has purchased my life! As Israel recommit to You time and time again, I recommit myself to You, most Holy Trinity.

I put faith in You Father, and Your plans for me.

I love You Lord Jesus, and thank you for the cross You beared

I submit to you O Holy Ghost, teach me Your ways!

All glory be to You! One God, Three persons!

St Monica, St Augstine, pray for us...

The hour is coming

2007-03-27T11:15:00.000+08:00

Stay with us,

Remain here with us,

Watch and pray...

Majodi Retreat

2007-03-13T12:22:00.000+08:00

Dear all,

I may not have met some of you in a while. Some of you may be in different denominations, or even another religion. I write to you still, as the joy of the Lord ought to be shared. The following is my testimony, on God's ever living presence, his forgiveness, his faithfulness and most importantly his Love. Hey... I mean... God IS Love. The following is not a short testimony but even then... it doesn't measure to our Father's Love.

I'm on my RCIA journey as I write this, and it happened at the programme's retreat...

Our Father in Heaven

It began while I was sitting there, my eyes fixed upon the Blessed Sacrament. As much as I found the stillness and serenity of the adoration room very soothing, I was still very confused in my own reflection. I was about to give up really, when something deep within prompted me to just... pray. I'll be frank here, I've always had trouble finding the right words to pray and there simply are certain things i don't feel comfortable talking to God about. Thus i took the easy way out, the good ole combination of 1 Our Father, 1 Hail Mary and 1 Glory be. You've just gotta love it how prayer can be made so simple and feel accomplished that at least "i've done my part". But this time it was different. Each phrase spoke to me and led me to reflect with blatant honesty.

The Meaning of Love

It's been said that as Christians we are called to love. Earlier during my retreat, our spritual director posed a very challenging question, "What is the defintion of Love to you?". Naturally I thought of all the things that has been taught in scripture but it didn't satisfy. Because I knew I was being dishonest with myself if i were to admit I truely practised those virtues. I just knew that deep within I did not buy those teachings somehow, but it was my "distracted self", a facade at trying fit into the faith that did make make me attept to follow the teachings. If i knew what is the truth and what is the Christian way of love, then what kept me from embracing the teachings? What was confusing me?

It was then, that I unveiled myself to the Lord and asked for his healing. In my examination of my own conscious, I had spotted grave errors within the perception of my inner self truely believed Love was. I do not share an intimate bond with my parents, nor my friends. Sure I spend alot of time with them but there always had been this barrier that allowed me to simply snap away from the relationship and still be able to dance in joy. I did not VALUE any relationship as much as it deserved. Then i thought hey... it's good right? I'll never get hurt that way... But in all honesty, I've always felt like the loneliest soul on earth. I could not accept people's love for be, I could offer love to others with all my heart. Simply because I had a perverted idea of what Love meant in my life. It was truely hurting me in ways I didn't even recognize.

I say perverted because there seems to be no other word that fits the bill. If Love were to make you happy, what made me happy? If the loss of Love leads you to mourn, then what made me sad? Through these contemplations I found myself scrutinizing my most recent relationship I had with my last girlfriend. I had psyched myself to thinking that I loved her and was always in severe depression for having lost her. I could feel the joy when i do acts of love for her even after the break up yet... another part of me just couldn't accept the fact that I didn't have her. I mean, it's a beautiful relationship we had, much more beautiful after having left each other in friendship, the what was it i wanted that prevented me from truely being in love with her? That's where my weakness lies... LUST. I had been in denial of it all along and can never bring it up in prayer simply because i was so ashamed of it.

The Ultimate Expression of Love

I was afraid. I dare not admit at this revelation. It was hurting me but I still dare not admit it. I dare not admit my addiction to pornography and masturbation. I was too ashamed to admit that whenever I have the desire to find a girlfriend, what i truely was thinking to myself was "i need sex". Nor could I live with the fact my idea of a BGR revolved solely around the physical contact.

In my shamefulness, it was the Lord that encouraged me. A week prior to that instance. One of the lessons was on Lectio Divina, the method in which you use scripture to meditate on God's words and relate it to your own life. We were each given a random Bible passage to reflect upon that day and what I picked was Jeremiah 31:31. Without going into details, what struck me is the promise in that verse. The promise that all shall know Him, through a new covenant. That despite men having broken the relationship with God, there is a promise of a new covenant. It spoke to me. It told me to take the first step. I had shared before my sentiments with a friend of mine, and he asked me to take it to prayer two things;that God will forgive me for what I have done and that He reveals to me the true meaning of a matrionial relationship. I looked up at the Body of Christ, and I prayed just that... God responded sooner than expected...

The next day at the retreat we were asked to pen one thing to lift up to the Lord. An hour of reflection was given to decide on it, but to me I already knew what i wanted to lift up. I had spent that hour solely in prayers; with repentence and desire to change... yet the lustful man in me was not fully convinced. After the hour, we had convened for a paralithurgy. As the play commenced I had figured out it was on the Passion of the Lord. Slowly but gradually... we had reached the climax of the story, the crucifixion.

I had broken down. Tears filled my eyes, my body trembled. Amidst this point of great sorrow, a voice called out from deep within...

"You asked me what love is... This how I have already taught you what it is.
You once said Love is the will to serve... Is there any greater will to serve than this?"

Indeed, I was reminded of the joy I had in service, but still I was in shame. Then the same voice came once again.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Can you mourn for yourself Neil as you mourn for your friend on the cross?
It was not done to put tears in your eyes, but to show you what Love is.
Rejoice, I do not condamn you, go in peace and sin no more."

I was then smiling. Joyful for the forgiveness and strenghtened to take the first step in responding to God's promise of my new covanent with Him. I was later invited to nail to the cross, that sheet of paper on which my commitment had been written. I did... and thank God for giving me the courage to do so.

Blessed be the name of the Lord

The retreat was for many of us climaxed at the healing service that very night. I guess to me, my burdens had been lifted to the Lord during those silent hours at the adoration room, peaking that moment during the paralithurgy. When it came to my turn to be healed over, I was slained for the first time in my life, almost instantaneously. I resisted at first but gradually I surrendered, with a smile on my face no less. Trust me it feels damn good to be forgiven and i knew that the moment I had gotten up, it was the beginning of my new relationship with God. Almost sounds like what's been taught on baptism but I guess... in many ways it seemed similar to me.

I'm not saying this experience was magic and I've totally transformed into a chaste righteous person. The temptation is always there and it's a struggle everyday for me. What I thank God for is for having opened my eyes, encouraging me, forgiving me and blessing me with such intimate closeness imprinted in my heart. The world is full of distractions and there will be times when I probably will forget this encounter. I pray that in my temptations God will once again remind me of that weekend and speak to me in his own ways, and I ask you my brothers and sisters to pray for everyone going through such challenges.

I was once lost but now am found. Keep me that way Lord I pray. Some of you know me personally and quite honestly, I write this with the fear of being judged. Why do I still write it across? Because I want take the first step to love you. It is only right for God has loved me. It is a very poor imitation of Love but this is my body being broken for you. This is my testimony of God's forgiveness, presence, joy and LOVE.

I hope it may serve you in times of your troubles.

I hope it may serve the youth who reads this that are struggling with their sexuality

I hope it may serve anyone taking the RCIA journey

I hope it may serve the Lord. Blessed be the name of Jesus.

Glory be to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
World without end...

Amen...

I am wrong

2007-02-21T17:45:00.000+08:00

IRIS - Goo Goo Dolls.... not

Well I gave up forever to touch you
Though I know that you'd shun me somehow
You're the closest to hell that I've ever been
But I don't want to think of it now

All I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later you'll fool me
Yet I don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
Everything I've known is long broken
I just don't want to know who I am

Well you can't see the tears that ain't coming
Or the moments of joy in your lies
When everything felt like the movies
Yeah you wake just to know they're lies

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
Everything I've known is long broken
I just don't want to know who I am

In the end...

2007-01-21T01:21:00.000+08:00

I remember I was around fifteen when the linkin's park craze was happening. One song that stuck to my head of course was this one. Well not the song really, just the lyrics.

I tried so hard and got so far,
In the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all...

Yes I've always been a pessimist. The truth is I don't like being that way. 2006 had been a brilliant year, it really has. New job, new friends, old friends... God has blessed this year in many ways. Yet there's consistantly one area where I can appearantly never win. For those of you who know me would be really quite certain of what i'm refering to. In fact most of you would probably think me foolish to be still haunted by such ancient matters. It's been hard, but the only thing that kept me going was hope... and Faith.

Everything is ment to be broken, but methinks everything can be and ought to be repaired. I've given my all to repair it, believe me. I've lost friends, shed tears, stayed up sleepless nights... but I perservered. I have a knack of doing that, some say that's my virtue. I don't want to be the one to guy who stands by and watch well... you know... things happen. It's killing me.

I don't know what's going to happen but I fear for the worst. I want it all and I've put in every effort waiting out the storm. Yes it did hurt but I took every bit of it with faith that things will get better. But if it's going to turn out... ugly... I'm not prepared.

I don't know... I'm just a silly boy in love with hope and faith. Because i continue having faith that it's worth it to keep hoping for the best even in the face of disasters and discouragement.

I guess it's not exactly a bad thing, but it sure hurts like hell...

When December ends

2006-12-14T18:39:00.000+08:00

It's a very cruel joke.

Things just seem to be going terribily wrong these last two days I tell you. Vivid images as they may seem, it's one thing to be reminded of 'em but another to have the lot shoved right before your face.

I guess we'll never understand eh? I mean... we're either very ignorant about it or just plain scared to come out of our comforts. I confess that's my case, but i'm sure each of us have our reasons.

But I tell you. Christmas is no time to be sorry, just lonely, especially when you know that someone was at the beach. Not this year though. Because I've got a little treat for us all. When December ends, either all things could end or a new year could begin. The choice of course my dears, is yours.

Christmas O Christmas

2006-12-11T11:40:00.000+08:00

When Christmas comes sometimes the world, seems altogether colder,
And you're alone with no one home, you just need your sister,
You always feel so empty, unwanted and so lonely,
And then you find, you realise you come back to your family

Away in Balestier, my baby he wept,
Not a living soul wants me not my mummy he said,
My family they left me, because I had AIDS
I promise I'll never do that to you again.

Hark I hear the Devil coming,
Glory to the fallen king!
You're not even anything like him,
I just don't care what you think.
He's our loving God on high,
One big foolish sacrifice,
He's the reigning king on earth,
Why can't you see what i'm worth.
He will reign forever more
Go the exit's through that door.

Drop by the Novena this christmas eve for the midnight mass ;p

Merry Christmas everyone.

Love you all

Moments

2006-08-21T20:04:00.000+08:00

Moments I praise God for...

Farah's ecstasy

Chinese Seafood!

Family

And friends

through fire, through rain

Rosanna, Rosanna

Sister Danks

After 3 years production,

Smoky's masterpiece

Whacky molestation Adventure,

... for the altar boy

Nobody Remembers

2006-08-15T13:23:00.000+08:00

Thow me a party this one day
Let me know that you're still there
Let's celebrate and reherse our old ways
A month away is no longer there.

Pretend with me
Won't you wear the mask of past,
Or the present your true masquarade?
For truth and love combined should last
And needs not be a mere parade.

So remember this day,
Won't you remember this day?
Some words never hear nor say
In the midst of fame
Some hearts knows not of fame
But never forsake this name

Thus in the end only truth will stay
Though lack the attension pay
Spoken not, heard not but we know it's still the same

Passion and lovers at your side,
Adventures each day you rise,
But truth and love will run and hide?
Before you they truely are, only if you realise

You find now what you never seek,
Speak no word, break no rules
but ponder if you must.
Take them away? no suiters nor fools
This promise you can always trust.

So remember this name,
Won't you remember my name?
Some thought will forever be same.
In the midst of days
Remember this fine old day
Let it in your memory stay.

Thus till the end this name will stay,
So be kind and affection pay
Ask not, think not you know it'll always be the same.

Nobody remembers my name
Nobody remembers this boy
Nobody remembers this pain
Nobody remembers this joy

But I do

I remembered when I found the secret,
of making anything last
and reject a mere parade

Why am I here?

2006-07-05T18:24:00.000+08:00

"Here take this one."

Andrew handed me another small plastic holder for the second time. It resembled a very small grail within which a flat disc of wax provided the fuel to keep the candle burning. The group of about seventy inquiriers had started queueing into two parallel lines which literally was side by side. Nested along the middle of the line, I could see that one of the sponsers was holding up a cross, attached to a pole up front. It sometimes amazed me how much value and meaning such simplistic symbol of a cross could possibily carry. Had I known every aspect of it, I probably would not be standing where I was that night.

"This is going to be a silent walk. Do not speak from your mouth, but from your heart. Do not speak to the person beside you, but speak to God. Pray as you march towards the church."

I heeded these words. I wasn't very sure who said it, nor did I wonder to find out. Initially I had no consentration whatsoever. Each step taken was accompanied by a senseless stringing of words in my mind. I looked up towards the cross leading my way to the church and closed my eyes. Could have been a miracle in itself that I did not trip anyone else heh. It was then that I started gaining control of my heart, for I can be the judge of my own mine when I sincerely attempt to communicate with God and others I merely cry out for the sake of doing so. I soon found myself in a somber mood, deep in meditation when from a distance I heard voices singing praises to the Lord. We were at the doorsteps of the church. As I entered, I couldn't help but contemplate on that momentary feeling this short walk had granted me. I had entered a church several times, but this time it was different. There was a purpose. There was a prayer.

Suddenly I was aware that it was not a mere building with an altar that I was entering, but the House of God... and believe me, the kind of warmth and welcome it offered, anyone would be thrilled to enter it.

Thus was my first day at RCIA.

Oh by the way one more thing i need to blog(as per request), Smoky just called... ha..ha

Frustrated

2006-06-23T17:58:00.000+08:00

Been a long week. Looking foreword to a glorious 48 hours of rest. I hope it's kept that way.

I'm sick and tired of this. I'm the loser at the end of the day as usual. And you draw me away from where i want to be.

Nevermind what I said. I'm going to do somethings we never usually have to do.

Butt Out

2006-06-19T18:11:00.000+08:00

You know you've been smoking too much when you find it hard to catch your breath whenever you try to move on the ever so long roads of Changi Business Park. When each puff you take no longer gives you that usual satisfaction but begins to demonstrate the poisonous taste, tainted with the soul consuming nicotine and tar, which creeps deep into your body and stays there for a period of time. I used to enjoy it, I really did. In fact it still brings me a minimum amount of joy in comsuming venom but the after effects might be a little too much to take; the headache, the insomnia and occassional shivering that fills my eyes with tears stemming from the nausea of agony.

Perhaps it's time to cut down. I still get agitated when i don't have a stick around and it seems so much easier to simply pick up a stick to releive myself. I know it's not the right thing to do, finding happiness in the wrong places, yet I still do so because I'm addicted. Yep that's the problem... addiction. The usualy counter to that would be to stay away but evidently that doesn't work either. It's been drilled into my head too deep that "I NEED TO SMOKE". I'll otherwise end up in an introverted corner and have no will to eat, sleep or bet soccer. I hate that feeling.

Pity cigarettes have no affection for the people that smoke 'em.

Overloaded

2006-06-15T19:30:00.000+08:00

Guys remind me never to take a two days medical leave again?

Work! Work! Work! I've gotta rush to place my bets!

Viva La Coupe de Monde!!!

Creeping insecurity

2006-06-08T18:56:00.001+08:00

If anyone knows me at all, he'd know that I'm a major slacker. I'm neither money grubbing nor status grubbing. I can stare at the most accomplished peer of mine and say good job without envying his rich wealth or knowledge. I guess it's from this, that I derive my insensitive and carefree ways with words whenever I'm around close friends. The irony is... that such characters seem to vanish before a selected group of people.

I can be totally disrespectful to my dad, but never my mom. Ignore my poly lecturers but never my grade school teachers. Quite recently I've also found myself to be getting largely influenced by the presence of women I fancy. The syndromes vary from person to person though. There's a case where I become overly introverted and moody, or agitated might be a better word. Another when I'd be desparately looking for words and thinking a million times before I utter a word. And lastly when I put on a confident, all knowing prick personality. Bottom line is

I CAN'T BE MYSELF AROUD THEM!

I can't even believe it that every time someone asks me "what kind of girls do you like?" I end up answering, "oh someone i can be myself around". It's not my fault really. It's just the unfair yardsticks modern women impose onto us men. Have to be smart, handsome, charming, rich, tall, loving, caring, sweet, sensitive......ARGH!!!! STFU already...

I mean... I could be all those things... ok 1/4 those things but I'm sick and tired of having to play up these set of "desirable traits" whenever I'm on a date. Come on... they should be spontaneous right? If i really liked a girl, such trends will come naturally LATER right? But no no... they want to see them RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THEN. Heck stop putting so much onus on me will ya? Coz as long as they keep doing that, I end up comparing myself to other guys and that sucks. All the relationships I've been in, I've always felt second best. Damn I'm not even second best right now.

At the end of the day I end up imposing too much as well so it's fair. The after effects of long term relationships sucks ass. When I'm 40, unmarried and still bitching about this on my blog, I'll regret it. But that's like twenty years from now...

Creeping insecurity

2006-06-08T18:56:00.000+08:00

Ready... Break!

2006-05-22T17:09:00.000+08:00

Good day my dear readers, well whoever is bored enough to check here for updates, that is. As I no longer claim this space to be a private one where my writings are meant for myself, let me once again annouce that this space is catered to you my readers, without discounting the fact that the opinions and anecdotes posted here are by all means true to my personal life and feelings. As much as it sounds as though I am prostiting my life, I will continue to emphasize that I wish to share my experiences, not sell my views. Hey besides it's more fun this way than talking with you lot face to face when I need to think twice about if I'd be offending you... well THAT is being untrue to myself.

Let's sum up my last few weeks;

A new beginning

Once upon a time, curiousity led me to a club that changed my perception on life. Well it's like one of those life altering experiences you read about in novels, one that usually triggers the protagonist to do all the amazing things dictated by the plot. Strangely enough novels don't usually have sequeals that maintains the charm of its original installment, save LOTR. I'm thankful life is quite different. Four years later, the same curiousity is about to catalyst another such experience. I'm sure most of you know what I'm speaking of. Fourth of July might just turn out to be a little more than US independence day.

An alternate perspective

Last weekend I managed to spend fragments of time with two groups of people in opposite ends of the spectrum. Lesson learnt; It's not what you do, but who you do it with that defines how much one could enjoy a social event. I mean seriously, a bunch of grown ups playing UNO Stacko sounds blatantly retarded but I must admit i darn well enjoyed it against the commercially cool party with smokes and alcohol. Of course I'm still glad I went for the latter since it led me to do something productive in life.

A humble petition

A friend of mine flash banged me with the words "you seem to have found peace.". Eh? Really? Well I guess it's a good improvement that people think that way. I expected people to still perceive me as the rowdy bloke with an insensitivity sharp as razor. Honestly though I don't think I've made peace with myself yet, nor with the people around me. I still don't know my purpose in life either. But I'm alot closer to finding out than I ever was before. I mean hey... I used to look at random isolated pieces of events and treat them as they are individually but I can now fix them up and realise... they form a much bigger picture. Well pray that I find the direction in life lest some guy comes up to me and arrogantly questions

"What's your problem with life?"

A delightful revelation

It's a bitter sweet feeling.
Faith was a price I had to pay so that I might find it.
Wounds were necessary so that they may be healed.
Control was forfeited so that I may not be alone.
Rejection was felt so that I may learn to love

Only though these, have I learnt to live.
I only ask that I be let live.

Just image photos here... I'm too lazy to upload 'em...

Silenced

2006-04-19T17:53:00.000+08:00

I intended to revive this blog with a killer post, but my inspirations have left me.

I can't write anymore. I just can't.

When things suddenly seem to move so fast, I never seem to grab the appropriate moments to recount the tales.

Job offers came and went. The only one that worked out was done after purging large cells of doubt off my head.

I miss you. I love you. I fear you. How do phrase these words to make you understand? I know... I'll get some help.

I miss you. I need you. I love you. Hey... you already know, maybe i shouldn't say a word.

Like i said before.

I can't write anymore.

Holy Trinity

2006-04-18T08:44:00.000+08:00

It exists it really does...

I mean the real one of course

Across the stars

2006-03-30T13:34:00.000+08:00

There was this restaurant we used to go to, me and my parents that is. It was a cozy small family restaurant in the middle of nowhere. Once in a while we'll just drive down and have some family time. Of course it usually involved my mom discussing lottery and soccer pools while my dad happily made good use of her distraction to indulge in some good old army rum. Being the restless kid that I was, I'd usually run out the shop and rest myself neatly on the trunk of my dad's beloved honda accord, it was a really cool car. I used to look up into the nightsky and gaze away the time, occassionally imagining myself gliding amidst those white candles. I could have done that for hours, I really could. Guess you could call it my choice of what i call "solitary shell". That's where I usually felt most comfortable.

I had a momentary revisitation to such an instance last night. I wasn't sure why I looked up at the sky but I'm glad to have done so. I don't need a big party you see. Sure I would love one but you can't have rainbows everyday can you? Sometimes I guess one just realizes that he's past the stage of longing for things he can't possibily afford at the moment and sink himself into resentment for not being in the capacity to do so. Or worse, when god gives you a theme park to just take it away from you the next day (watch Cartmanland).

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, I trive on simple moments. Probably because that's all I can have right now. That's why I hate it when someone takes it from me, since it leaves me with less than nothing. The only sad part is that I think i'm the only one who finds joy in simplicity.

This post is jaded i know, and probably doesn't make much of a point nor maintains coherence with the choice of words. Then again it's always been that way when i attempt to discuss the topic I'm trying to. I guess that's because the odds are against me and deep inside i know that it's probably a game i can't possibily win, yet i can't learn to quit. Heh I feel like Ralph Nadar.

Black Friday Once More

2006-03-23T22:04:00.000+08:00

I ain't known for practising reactionary measures, be it positive or negative, even though I'll admit I hold grudges to a number of people dating back to as young as my primary school days. Yet I'm really quite grateful for what people around me does for me, be it emotional support, welfare programmes or... with respects to my latest episode, bailing me out of deportation. Unfortunately my network is tainted with perceptions of "taking sides" and "threats to one's position". My feelings towards all this? I believe Ahmed's comment is the one true word that captures my every emotion. I'm upset, I really am. But I'm still alright to smile. Why? you ask and i answer, I'm amused as much as i'm upset.

To me it's the same story. Same characters. Similar stimulus. Same climax and resolution. The only difference is time and the role I played. Last year, I took action on what I felt was the right thing to do. The end result was a nasty one, and something that went unnoticed except for a handful of people. In the process of trying to commit to a set of beliefs I subscribed to then, I ended up questioning the character of the one person i knew best. I hurt that person of course, and I truly never forgave myself for doing so. For those of you who has an idea of what I am referring to, 'yes' I to this very moment feel things went out of control and I regret having contributed to it. What was meant to be discourse and reconciliation plummetted into a, well what one might call it "character assasination". It's no secret and I've alway resonated that in the public domain, lest i get accused of being a sly, cunning backstabber. I must add that such a character only exist when one percieves the existance of a division in a group of people or "sides" as it has been popularaly dubbed lately. I ain't one of those who subscribe to it.

The reason I would bring up such an old ascapade is not because I live in the past but merely because it was the position I tried my level best to avoid yet failed miserably. This time it wasn't a Friday but a Tuesday. My efforts at attempting to broker a fair middle ground went futile despite what seemed to had been a satisfactory end to the day. Not more than six hours later, I had been labeled to be an ungrateful, arrogant and backstabbing person filled from head to toe with intent of malice with no considerations for the well being of my club no more worthy to be compared to anything but a,my personal favourite insult, poodle. Some people went on to even describe my actions as "disservice to the club", well of course it doesn't really matter because it didn't come from none of the members.

This whole transition, i guess is what makes me upset yet puts a smile across my face. Quite evidently nobody heard me out. They heard only what they wanted to hear, ignored what they wished to ignore, misrepresented the message I intended to put across and exaggerated my every blunder, or in some cases the lack of opinion. My words and position somehow incited a chain of doubt... actually I'd really rather not use that word, I've got a phobia... a chain of thoughts which questioned my core character. In short, they downplayed my merits and overplayed my flaws. Sure I'll admit, I chose to not disclose certain information which might not contribute to the dialogue, I chose to not go against certain beliefs that people probably didn't like to hear and gave certain opinions regarding the consequences of having two characters that command attention in the club. Perhaps the only thing that warrented a level of anger would be my opinion that some actions committed by certain individuals, including myself, in the past had propagated a level of predjudice towards the people in question that day. This really isn't something I say behind people's back is it? I've raised it before and I have always tried to actively remove such prejudice and bridge the distance that had been established in the past. I witnessed this emotion handicapping and victimising the defendents on Tuesday and merely tried to draw away the situation from turning out to what one might say... "The Nuremberg Trials". That's how it turned out last year, wouldn't you agree?

What really amazes me is how whatever described in the last paragraph was translated by a few emotionally charged and highly biased individuals into actions worthy of description as betrayal at best and treason at worst. This automatic assumption, as that of AUDC and announcements translated into "malicious lies", that because I merely believed that certain aspects of their case should be defended, I am out to get the very person I'm assisting to train the club's Asians squad. That somehow I am labeled as "one of those arrogant fucks". Nobody really bothered to hear my side of the story and those who did chose to rather believe the version coming from the evidently confused. Heh I kinda reminds me about my first encounter with a a catholic church a couple of weeks ago, care to elaborate Kelvin? Now yeah I agree to a few lines I read from another blog. Learn from it and stop being insecure. Stop fucking seeing each other as threats and stop fucking imposing this idea of "sides" into your heads.

I don't blame anyone really. As much as it would be easier to simply pinpoint a few people and say "you damaged people, incapable of rational dialogue, misrepresented my every word.", I truly believe I'm the one to blame. People judge one's current action based on those in the past and interpretations have been made. I don't quite see a point in asking them to change what they already percieve of my character. All i care about now is what the club feels about me and if they still adamantly resent my actions on Tuesday last, I'll be happy do whatever you ask of me. And if the coach wishes me to stay away from training, I'll willingly do so even if such sentiments stems from his better half.

This club is nobody's baby. No one member owns it more than another. We all own it together and when that ownership was threatened... well I really had a heavy heart and genuine concern for those being threatened yesterday. I will defend anyone on the accused end as long as i don't see any intent against the squad.

Qian Hui said yesterday, "you can't take that away from us". I don't think it meant her pride and ego. It was simply a cry that probably meant "You can't take the club away from us.". Each of us have done our role and if anyone wishes question another's very involvement in their club, I plead you guys, do it without victimising them, and those that attempt to defend their ground. Prejudice spreads so easily don't it?

And those of you going around thinking it's cool to say "how much of a punch do you pack?"

Feel free to stand before me or STFU already. I'm sure my terrorist friend would resonate my "bold statement".

Well feel free to despise me. Call me what you wish and spread the word. I have resigned to my fate of being enlisted in the blacklist of people's personal records and probably certain organisations. But don't ever fuckin take away the club from me, or anyone who's played a role in its history. If there ever is a time I turn my back on the years of commitment I had put it, I'll walk away from it myself. I give you my word that I won't "overstay my welcome".

On another note, it's about time i made a disclaimer that whatever posted on this blog, hereby referred to as "Wallmart"... appearantly... doesn't represent anyone's views but mine alone.

Karma- chameleon

2006-03-18T17:33:00.000+08:00

If there is joy, there will be sorrow

If there is sorrow, there will be joy

If there is despair, there will be fuckin hope

I never truly understood where karma begins and ends but i've had a first hand experience on it in the last couple of days. When everything finally seemed to be going fine, something simply had to screw up. God bless the "holy trinity" whose grace had saved my sorry ass. If i may add I'm quite flattered to be dubbed the term "holy trinity". For those who question its existence and how it implicates lives of those in particular interest groups, I must admit that we do not intend any harm.

We don't exist in a vacum you see. We are not merely bound by success, arrogance and certain bitter defeats. It is the laughter and, consistantly in my case, tears that truly bind our trio. The selflessness and will to help one another in times of need when all hope seem to have diminished. I am grateful, I really am. God is kind to have blessed me with such amazing, and forgiving, souls to carry me across the hurdles of life. I pray things don't get worse. I finally have hope in life and to an extent faith in God, and there's just one ingredient missing. I can't help but wish that life will bend its rules and grant me with an extra chance. But that is a story only time can tell.

We don't stick together to piss people off. We stick together because we're family. Thanks guys for being there, despite the occassional irritations you inject into my mind.

Blasphemy!

2006-03-01T12:52:00.000+08:00

Now that's a word we hear all the time. I've been contemplating on making a post about this for quite some time but

1) I needed to gather more information regarding it

2) I don't want ISD knocking on my front door

I've decided to give it a shot at making a case on why EU does have a point in backing up cartoonists, before I go on to evaluate the legitimicy of newspapers to print the materials in question. Should a liberal government intervene? The answer would be an astounding NO.

Blasphemy and democracy

The tricky clash of principles in this area is that while the freedom of expression and opinion is regarded as an inalienable right(dubbed underpinning of democracy), we also have to note that the right to hold on to a certain belief without fear of discrimination or prejudice also commands much attention. Thus the concept of hate speeches comes into picture. The only intent behind any laws curtailing the freedom of speech should be to protect our citizens from potential harm. We have to be very clear on the difference between blasphemy laws and laws that protect religious groups. Blasphemy laws protect beliefs, not citizens and thus enforces the idea that one particular set of beliefs is the "correct" model of governence. It is evidently undemocratic as it nullifies the entire concept of equal representation and that every individual has a right to his own beliefs. Blasphemy laws are also theocracy's favourite tool to clamp down on well... "heritics" like the opposition party, human rights movements, women's right movement, the oppostion, the opposition and the opposition.

So if any government were to pass media laws to disallow the depiction of the prophet mohammed in print, it will have to do so by building up a case that such material endangers a group of people and incites hatred towards that particular group. Let's evaluate this rationally. So far the muslim community around the world had been "offended" due to the sacriledge that the western infidels are making a cartoon of the prophet. Quite clearly every expression has the perpensity to usually offend someone be it politicians, hippies, green activists, fat kids or black men who wants to be white. The problem is that being offended is far from being threatend by KKK out in the streets. One will have to prove that these cartoons had had a malicious intent of targeting hate crimes towards muslims, you know like hardcore evidence of journalist going out in the streets and giving out "Exterminate the Arab infidels!" posters, or American red necks offering reward money for anyone who kills the filthy non-republicans who burn flags. Now that's something that incite hatred.

Does it qualify as a "hate crime"?

That of course puts us in a very gray area of whether the prophet in a turban shaped like a bomb would incite reigious intolerance towards muslims. I'lll still go with NO. The message attached to such a script at the most extreme level of interpretation will read, "Muslims are terrorists". That's not really an idea the journalists are trying to instill into the public but one instilled by the duet of National Security Laws and Hollywood blockbusters. Sure stereotypes are offensive but that doesn't mean we can prove that it will lead to a hate crime. For decades our papers been flooded with propagation of stereotypes such as Chinese have small eyes, Filipinoes are maids and hispanics are drug dealers. The bottom line is that the paper merely articulate the presence of stereotypes, not condamn that particular group.

Is there any value in these cartoons?

Responsible media communicates certain values contributing to political dialogue. Even if there is no value attached to a certain publication, it merely means that the press in question is irresponsiblie, NOT illegitimante. Quite interestingly, we must note that while muslims across the world were busy rallying and stepping on the Danish flag, certain arabic publications had attempted to reprint the "blasphemeous figures". Presshouses in Yemen, Jordan and very surprsingly Saudi Arabia's "Shams", had reprinted the materials just to be shut down the next day. It's a dim suggestion of moderate muslims who share a similar with Jyllands-Posten perspective on exploring the limits of dialogue. I've always been a supporter of the "evolving docterine" ideology and I truely respect the "Shams" for their attempt to articulate a the potential message behind the cartoons. The newspaper published along with the "offensive material", opinions from influential clerics saying information which is offensive to Muslims can still be printed if it helps acquaint them with an issue.

Nobody usually challenges a religion and win, and those who do either become saints or sinners. I'm in no position to question the workings of a religion but I'm very comfortable to say that if someone does wish to challenge institutional docterine, he has every right to do so without predjudice or prosecution. Hey, our beliefs is what makes us human isn't it?

Swing Life Away

2006-02-28T14:41:00.001+08:00

Trees, critters and bugs...

I couldn't help but wonder how ironic it was that the prospect of camping attracted me two days ago. Little was I aware that nature would lose its charm once I was lost in it. I was neither excited by the smell of fresh earth nor the freshness of the breeze. The sole thought on my mind then was how much better the weekend would have been vegetating before the television and consuming all sorts of unhealthy products. I glanced at my watch and nearly jerked. It was two in the afternoon but the gloomy darkness suggested that it was more than just the leaves that were blocking off the sunlight.

"Andrew! Wait for me!"

It was Judith. Another camper who had strayed away from the group and shared a similar fate with me; lost with no means of communication from the rest of the world. Usually, I would have loved this sort of situation. The idea of being alone with some random chick in the middle of nowhere always had a romantic feel, and the possibility of getting laid in such a setting... sweet. The only problem was that Judith was no random chick. I yelled back at her and she finally caught up. She strolled lazily along the path with a cigarette fixed to her lips and an expression of intolerable despair.

"You're walking too fast!", she complained. She had instinctively fished my jacket out of my backpack and made herself a "clean" spot to sit. I glared at her.

"You should be grateful it's me. Anyone else would have left you to your doom."

"Jared wouldn't.", she retorted. Jared was her boyfriend, whose name she couldn't resist flaunting around.

"Well Jared ain't here missy. You better get your pretty ass off my jacket and start walking. We've gotta find shelter before it starts raining."

I usually didn't talk in that tone but the word 'Jared' agitated me. I didn't like that man, I really didn't. I had met him on three occasions and he was no more but a giant, dim-wit, douche bag. Well he kept her entertained. I never really understood how but yeah, she said so a couple hundreds of times.

"Rain? Are we close to the camp yet? Who am i kidding of course we're not. We're just getting more lost aren't we? I should have known you and I could only mean bad luck.", Judith pouted yet again.

"Well let's get moving shall we? There should be some sort of an outpost up ahead. If I'm reading this map right, that is"

Thus we stared walking. It was probably the longest and most silent walk I had ever had in my life. Hardly a word was spoken and I found myself actively attempting to avoid eye contact with her. It had been that way in the last few weeks prior to this very incident. It didn't use to be that way but a mutual friend of ours told me something and I figured that reality checks were always a bitch. I hated this whole "so close, yet so far away" bullshit, I really did.

"Did you really mean it?", I blurted out. I felt like shooting myself that instant.

"Mean what?", she replied, genuinely puzzled.

"What you told Aisha about me."

I couldn't stop there, could I? I started this shit might as well end it. But half a second after I finished my sentence, I thought to myself "fuck it".

"Nevermind."

The arkward moments painfully ticked away. I felt as though I were that guy Chandler from the show "Friends", yelling out:

"This is exactly the kind of social situation I'm not comfortable with!"

We finally sighted an almost run down hut, or something rather more like a stable. Only a shallow stream stood between us and the... stable. I merely crossed the stream with little effort but Judith had a problem.

"Ew! I don't wanna get wet!"

"Just cross, don't be a baby."

I held out my hand. Judith's face turned constipated. Alright that might not be the best way to describe her face but it definitely did turn funny. Appearantly she had no problem sitting on my favourite jacket but felt touchy about holding my hand to cross the damn stream. I just held it out and waited for her to grow up. I honestly felt the grass grew quicker.

To be contiuned

*************************************************************************************

inspired by Rise Against's "Swing Life Away"

The above post does not reflect my real life in any means.

Valentine's curse

2006-02-17T20:28:00.000+08:00

Februaray 14th is jinxed. Quite frankly it never goes well for me discounting of course the years before I hit puberty; all i knew of V-day was chocolates and i hate chocolates. So here's a summary of reasons upon which I assert this day as probably the second worst day in the year (Christmas still takes the cake at sucking).

2002

You can't really expect much from a couple of fifteen year old kids in communist Beijing. No fancy candle lit dinner nor anything remotely "romantic" as commercialised by Hollywood and to a larger extent... Bollywood. I remember vividly, though that I was in my black converse sweater (it was two months old then) and my date had a neat outfit consisting of a white T shirt, tight jeans and a dark brown jacket, which i remeber we had gotten two weeks back after a few hours of bargaining in a language neither of us truely understood. After a few hours of ice-skating, she thought it would be fun to force chocolates into my mouth, thus I ended up swallowing a couple of the "Ferior whatsit?". We ended the night with a take-out Dominoes, at a bench in the local park, opposite a frozen lake. We nearly forgot that it was the second last day together.

2003

Mugging! I had gotten myself involved in a cult called "Tp Debaters". I happened to have had an important "interschools" preliminary debate the next day against that one asswipe i'll never forget... OLI. Unfortunately the mugging did not pay off. I lost that round and never went on to the finals.

2004

New girlfriend of five months, past the peak of the honeymoon period, just before entering the pain in the arse phase. The highlights would be ordering spicey chicken at the Thai restaurant. The dish was TOO DAMN SPICEY for normal human beings to consume, seriously. Of course we got into a pretty silly fight later on which went straight into her "Why Neil is an asshole" list. Perfect way to end a date eh?

2005

Debates Training, not that i wasn't seeing anyone then but my girlfriend happened to be my teamate as well. And the coach can be quite an asshole if one skips training. Besides I was too damn broke.

So there you go, you can tell it's either a really dull day or a day which leaves a lasting impression for the wrong reasons. I'd really love to write about this year because it was probably the only one where everything went smoothly without any last minute surprises. Actually there WAS a surprise, not to mention the bird's phone call in the middle of what could have been a perfectly awesome night out. It's a great story to tell and i'd like to do it justice so... perhaps another post.

The road to Langkawi

2006-02-12T17:52:00.000+08:00

The first phase has just been completed.

Three teams from Temasek to hit the beaches of Langkawi like an epedimic like no other.

Glad to say that when it came down to the try outs, we've not only got the whole band back together but we've got fresh debaters ready to feast on the flesh and blood of whatever team unfortunate enough to meet them at the Asians.

Very impressive speeches from the lot of not so impressive looking people, including my most valued former teamates. I must admit i'm rather disappointed in one particular candidate's performance that i had to keep shaking my head during his speech. He was doing a pathetic job as whip but the adjudicators seems to be buying his one line, multiple phrasing approach that really got him nowhere. It's quite scary how vaulnarable people are to a speaker's charm. One should really put his skills as an orator to good use, like good old Adolf did. (Adolf was a friend of mine from my days in Berlin... great stand up comedian). Anyhow he undertimed, three minutes and twelve seconds, yet still made it to the team. Other than that the overall performance was satisfactory. Of course we've still got a long road ahead.

Now we've got a squad of blood-thristy demons. But having the will to kill and being able to kill are two different things. The next few months will equip them with the skills they need to hunt down the lower beings and consume their very souls. The will learn to pour acid down the throats of their opponents, strike through their hearts with the sharpest arguments, and humiliate their every silly points of information. They shall learn to debate to not only win but to crush the morale of the other team so much that they will never dare speak in public ever again. They will also learn pain and to appreciate the punishments to grow from them to formulate an even more formidable speech than before.

And to all those teams who was good enough to beat my team, or got away by lucky margins of 0.5, never again! It's time to give you back what you gave to us.

Gear up squad, time to train hard.

Then we hunt...

My current addiction

2006-02-10T11:27:00.000+08:00

Time is Running Out - Muse

I think I'm drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
that you've created

you're something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

you will be the death of me
you will be the death of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted

now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
you'd never dream of
breaking this fixation

you will squeeze the life out of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
how did it come to this?
ooooohh

you will suck the life out of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?
ooooohh

Speechless

2006-02-09T16:05:00.000+08:00

That's how you make me feel with your ignorance.

Why do i even bother?

Forget KL, it won't be better...

not at this rate anyways.

Stand by me

2006-02-06T11:03:00.000+08:00

I had yet another strange dream last night. It had to be a dream, yet it felt so real. The gentle breeze brushing through my face, the scent of the wet ground, the clarity of the all too famaliar lake. The night sky was filled constellations which i had never truely learnt to identify. A star fell across the sky and it struck me... was this November fourteenth?

"If you looked hard enough, you'll always find me here..."

And i did. She listened. She smiled. She laughed. If only she were... real. I remember making a promise four years ago. Is this the way you're keeping it?

"Stop being so sad, you'll always still have me by your side"

She handed me a black sweater, with the small label "Converse" at one of its chest. I told her i missed her, and she smiled back at me. She said making someone feel special is not half as good as feeling special. I woke up the next morning with a sense of satisfaction and a smile on my face. I picked up the same sweater, i saw in my dream. I could feel her presence at my side. I know it was impossible but it feels good to know that some friends truely never leave you. They just show up when you need them the most. God, i miss you.

You were once my foe,
Eternally my friend,
And now, my guardian angel.

I miss you Lu.

Point Break

2006-02-05T02:56:00.000+08:00

I can't take it no more

I won't fake it like before

Kiss me once more before you split my throat. Hold me once more before you burn my soul. Say you love me before you contradict those words. That is all i ask of you. Make it quick, make it painless. Just fuckin marry him and end my hopes.

I've got a magnum and the final bullet saved for me. I won't need to use it as long as you are there. Because i simply can't live with or without you. If loving you is meant to torment me then so be it. I won't live with a hollow heart. I'll never die a happy man. If it were meant to end this way then just end me.

I've tried different paths yet it leads me back where i started. There's nowhere left for me to go so let me stay and relish my agony. Regrets, i've got more than i could possibily list down. Just fuckin shoot me and make me forget that i'd ever had you.

You need not be my side, nor even mean it, to strike my heart till it bleeds and stops. Poets say love is a funny thing, and i've fallen into its pitfall.

Soul Faeries

2006-01-30T17:34:00.000+08:00

Jeal uncovered her mask. The smoothness of her pale skin failed to emit the charm expected from a girl of her age, as her face was deprived of the beauty it deserved by a deep scar spread across her left temple. The scar ran dangerously close to her eye and proceeded through her cheeks, finally coming to an end at a level not much higher than that of her lips. It was a momento from the life she had before her days at the mansion and one which suggested that the age of innocence was long gone for Jeal. Her piercing eyes were cold as the weather that evening, and sharply pierced through the trees around them. She liked it there.

"A lonely place is where i belong"

She thought. It was never where she wanted to be but the curse of the past across her face denied her of the courage to be anywhere else without a mask. Like every thirteen year old girl, she did not like the idea of hiding her face while her peers flaunted around the beauties nature had provided.

Jeal steadily paced through the solitary lane along the woods. She had come there with hopes of catching a soul faerie. Her desire to find such a mystical being stems from the curiosity, fueled by rumors that soul faeries were indeed lost souls originally attached to the spirit of people who were living in an alternate world. Her caretaker, Con, had often shared with Jeal his theories on the existance of another reality and that every action taken would vastly affect the turn of events in such a realm. Little did she know that faeries were mere myth and nobody had truely witnessed their existance; those who claimed to have seen them were unable to prove it.

"What does it even look like?"

Let me tell you...

Jeal jumped in shock upon hearing a faint whisper. She worriedly glanced back, it was uncommon that another person would be so deep in the woods at such an hour. It was then that she noticed that the patch of grass at her feet was dimly lit. It was beingg illuminated by a golden sphere, about the size of a tennis ball, glowing weakly and floating at the level of Jeal's knee. Her eyes were fixed onto the sphere. Once again she began to hear words in her mind, not in the eerie voice as that of her first encounter but of several people.

I'm the flower and you're the grass

Let it grow lar!

It's a promise, and we'll call it the kemamman treaty

bad end of the deal

yesterday was the ideal, which you ruined

everything was so unreal, let's just leave our tears here

Now let me show you...

The sphere of light rose to Jeal's chest. It's beam doubled its intensity, swallowing Jeal's eyes in its path. Soon white curtains drew before her eyes and all she could see was the brightness until she could vividly see a random sequence of flashbacks. Memeories... that did not belong to her. She remembered seeing a teenage boy holding up a strange device in staircase. She remembered seeing a girl smiling over at him. She was wearing a white shirt and short rugged blue skirt lying on her back, feet pressed against the wall. The same girl was in now in a green shirt sitting opposite him complaining about her porridge. The same couple in an elevator, in a hospital, theater. He kissed her hands each time he was late to meet her and she would do the same to him each time she wanted something of him. The memories were happy ones until they both cried one night. She was then with somebody else and he had forgotten the skill to sleep.

"Who are these people?", asked Jeal

Reach out and feel me...

The sphere of light drew closer to Jeal. A warm satisfying feeling filled her from head to toes. Although her heart was beating much faster, it appeared lighter than ususal and she couldn't help but smile with joy at the sensation. The faerie began moving away and gradually pulling away with it Jeal's esctacy. She threw out her arm but the closer she got it, the more distant the sphere had travelled. She soon realised that her heart was no longer light but had become an anchor's burden. It had fallen somewhere deep within her drawing her entire chest to one particularly painful position. Her eyes began to feel with tears and the more she wanted the sphere, the more anguish she suffered.

Do you understand now?

"What are you?"

Before she could find her answers, the faerie had vanished. The woods were once again dark and lonely. The momentary company she had with the soul faerie had had an impact in Jeal's mind, as thought a swarm of insects had penetrated through her skull and caroused delightfulin on her brains. She fell to her knees, still recovering from the heart ache. She was shaking.

"Soul faeires... they're not myth but what are they?"

**************************************************************************************

Do you remember? Do you even care? It doesn't matter now... It's time to leave it all behind, because she don't love me no more. I don't even matter anymore. I'll learn to live with it.

But still...

Burglish

2006-01-28T17:43:00.000+08:00

So nobody knows...

Ba mar lo may yae dat pae mae lei, ko ga ba mar lu myo bar. De tharga dwe har min le ta yaut thae go pway jin dae tharga phyit pae mae lei, yin layy lun lo ma pyo naign tho thar gar phyit the. Min go ko a myae chit nae done bay. Faith phyit phyit Judith phyit phyit, min ga a myae ko a chit sone main ka lae ta yaut thae so da min mhat thar than ba.

Min thwar jin dae soe, thwar lite tot.
Min htar jin dae soe, htar gae dot
Min lote chin dae go ko ma tar bu, main ka lae
Dar dwe har min a twet chit thet thae.
Dar dwe har min le go chit loe
Dar dwe har min le go thait chit loe

De mar dot chit lait yar dar dwe
De mar dot yu thwar mya phyit yar dae ba wat go min yone gyi pae

You'll never understand, neither would I. And that's the way we will live...

until you've learnt what i have.

The Chronicles of {insert cool name here}

2006-01-24T12:42:00.000+08:00

One chilly evening, a young man was alone in his study. He was scribbling in his diary of memories past until suddenly the door swinged open and in came four little children. There was Rage, a broad shouldered boy with burning eyes. He paced through the hall quick as lightning and sat by the fire. There was Sor, a beautiful girl with eyes bluer than the midday sky but wetter than the seven seas. She carried in her arms a very passive rabbit with its eyes shut in bliss. Jeal and Res were the last of the lot. Jeal hid her face behind a plastic mask, little did she know that the mask was transparant and in fact hid nothing at all. Res was a timid boy and made his presence so small that nobody usually notices him. Thus two girls and two boys came strolling in and disrupted the young man's moment of reflection.

"What can I do for you, little ones?", said the young man, "I remember it was Wednesday last since we last met."

"We need some advice uncle Con!", said Rage, "Each of us have troubled minds and seek your words to direct our thoughts!"

Then each child took turns to tell their tale.

"I want to kill him!", began Rage, throwing a punch to the floor. He hurt his little fist but ignored the pain and contiuned, "My friend Win walked out Friday last and refuses to answer my call for help! He knows i need him but he just won't heed my cries! I don't want a friend like that anymore! I want to kill him!"

"My rabbit is dying uncle Con...", said Sor, tears streaming down her cheeks, "She has been in my life since my first breath, but now she's grown old and can't teach me tricks anymore. Can you heal it? please uncle Con, please..."

"Ju...", Jeal gave a deep sigh and removed her mask, "Judith is having a party for Joe the weekend next. I wasn't invited and I'd never want to go but what's bothering me is, that she's never thrown a party for me! I don't like this feeling uncle Con, can you make it go away?"

"I have a friend" whispered Res,"His best friend is from the northen part of town and he trusts his best friend with everything. But I know the northerner is stealing from my friend but i can't tell him because he won't beleive me. Shall i tell him none the less uncle Con?"

Uncle Con sat back and considered these plights. After a minute or two, he walked over to the piano across the room and began to play a slow melody.

"Let me sing you a song little ones, so that you may ponder and learn for yourselves... the true nature of us people... and the way a saint would live"

What makes us different, from other beings?
Is it love, compassion, these beautiful things?
Or is it treachery and deceit?
Things we wish we have never seen?

Sometimes we love, sometimes we hate, sometimes we deny...
Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose, sometimes we seek more,
Sometimes we choose, sometimes we can't, you will learn in time.

So when life is so unpredictable
And people seem so taint,
Learn to live with things despicable... and wonder,
What would you do, if you were a saint?

Because saints forgive, and saints don't anger, and he understands
That people are different, that people are changing, and he shows respect
A saint doesn't fear, a saint doesn't tear, for the truth he'll stand.

And when he finds what he seeks,
He cherish it for eternally
And when it's time to lose it all, he's ready, he won't be weak
choose a saint's path my child, and you'll live in harmony...

So fear not of losses,
Fear not of rejections,
Anger must lose its forces,
Respect and truth... these are true affections...
Live the way i taught you...
Live to be... a saint.

Thus Uncle Con concluded his song and turned to the children.

"But it's not that easy to do!", cried Jeal

"Of course it isn't but you have to try..."

Thus the children left the room, unsatisfied with the advice given to them but the young man did everything he could to keep them in control... unfortunately he has never been able to. He went back to his diary and wrote,

Children, little do they know... that life is a bitch and then you die.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Elsewhere in another world. The same young man stood in a cool January night. Beside him was a woman in a black T-shirt. She was of oriental blood and kept her hair straight. Her eyes filled with confidence yet her mind filled with confusion. They stood there, without saying a word to each other.

At a distance, a couple walked hand in hand. He eyed their backs and couldn't help but notice the discrepency in height between the love birds. He drew an imaginary revolver and aimed at the blissfully ignorant man.

"bang!bang"

Two bullets signifying two reasons why he would like to shoot the man. The woman beside the aggresor shot a glare of disapproval. He merely turned to her and whispered a line he learnt from a girl he used to know.

"You're a lover in my bed, and a gun to my head."

Cancer broke his heart 6 months later.

Words

2006-01-21T14:11:00.000+08:00

That's all i've got these days... February 23rd seems so far away

Flight of the flightless bird

2006-01-20T15:05:00.000+08:00

I got my hands on a pretty good Burmese film yesterday. Expectedly it was rich with thought provoking dialogues, demonstrations of emotional attachements and a man's constant battle within to choose between two elements essential to his life; love and success. Despite its bad taste in soundtrack and predictable endings, I related to the plot in ways only not many could possibily even understand. For the first time I realised how difficult it was for her to watch me walk away.

I remember that morning in June. I remember having my last dinner with 'em the night before, chinese food never tempted me less. I naively did not realise the sorrow behind the smiles she wore. I didn't sleep that night, though i recall having that all too famaliar ghastly irritation you feel each time one is about to leave it all behind. She told me to look foreward, that she had now given me the wings to fly. That the higher I flew, the further away I will be from them, and to be ready to face all odds and be strong. That one day I will have flown high enough to gaze back at where i came from with pride. Thus the fifteen year old boy kissed his mother goodbye with promises that someday he will return a respectable man. I didn't see it but i knew she cried, as i steped onto the plane. I never asked of this life, but fate was cruel. I envy those who still has the luxury of coming home to parents each day... I've almost forgotten what it feels like.

Five year onwards, the boy has grown, but I've got nothing. I haven't flown one bit, nor can i even pretend to be respectable, yet i still feel the distance. The promises and expectations she had for me seems so empty. The breakdowns are all to frequent now that sometimes I feel tempted to throw it all away. There's only so much I can possibily take... but each time i hear her voice it gives me hope. It tells me the kind of faith they have in me, something i've never had and her words ram an admant push spilling confidence and compassion despite the barriers of distance. Such is the strength of true love.

I've been a terrible son, my reluctance to look back, my lack of accomplishment and my disobedience in making decisions yet they tend to me whenever i fall. All I have to offer them is my ideals which seem so far away. If i can't even take control of my own life, will i ever make a difference? If i do somehow muster the capacity to do so, will i have the courage to leave it all behind and stand up for what i claim to believe in?

What lies ahead for me is not rainbows and butterflies... but a journey i'll never complete in this lifetime. There's no room for feelings nor affection, family nor lovers, friends nor rivals. Will i even dare to glance towards such a road? I never asked for this life, but i'll live it to the fullest.

For the lady

2006-01-17T11:23:00.000+08:00

Walk On - U2

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring
Love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind...

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Oh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed, to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly, for freedom

Oh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
You can only take so much

Walk on...
Walk on...

Home...
Hard to know what it is, if you never had one
Home...
I can't say where it is, but I know I'm going
Home...
That's where the hurt is...

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
And you can only take so much

Walk on...
(Hooo)

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel

All this you can leave behind

All that you reason, (it's only time)
(Love is a feeling on my mind)
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress-up
All that you've seen
All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate

Anybody got a copy of the album "For the Lady" ?

I've been dying to get my hands on it in ages!!!!!

Wish i were there

2006-01-15T02:30:00.000+08:00

Pictures taken during the December reunion back home. If you look close enough you might just see me... in spirit of course. Damn that baby is cute!!! Heh i don't usually have affection for babies but this one's an exception for obvious reasons. I've got a story to tell about each person in the pic, save the two ladies who happened to be my best friends' wife and fiancee. But those are tales i won't document here but recite over a couple of beers on a good Friday night... i'll probably be done by Monday morning that way. So in case any of you guys see this post here's a message for each of you in no particular post.

Phyo, you've grown WAY huger than i could ever be mate... you've got the whole gangster shit going on and i'm so glad to have been on your good books when i had the chance. You'll always be welcome in the good old appartment back home man... just don't f**kin take me swimming.

KKM, still got the stylo milo shit happening eh? A belated congratz on your wedding, i assume the invitation got lost on the way, and of course that adorable baby boy you're holding. Now that you're a family man, don't ya do too much of that lung and liver abuse no more... who am i kidding... you're drinking with me and my dad the second i get home!

Khine... i'll tell you when i meet you for lunch tomorrow. JUST DON'T YA DARE DITCH ME FOR YOUR FREAKEN BOYFRIEND like you did with Sian. You crazy ostrich.

Zarni, it seems you're still keeping up the cool, mysterious man status. Good luck with your work mate. I've never known anyone who takes photoes as well as you do. Beats all the wannabes in my old poly who are supposed "learning" to take good photoes but still do miserable jobs at it.

Victor, well dude it'd have been nice if ya hollered at me once in a while coz seriously man these guys i've met haven't said a word of you... nearly thought you were MIA like Norman.

Susan, heard you're studying in what? a faith school? Sweetheart i've only one thing to say to ya. Damn you're hott!! Those signature dimples each time you smile seems to have done you good in your womanhood eh? Pity i don't get enough time with ya... I'll probably fall in love with ya. Sorry about all the time i called ya "bison" and "Susan Min Sein". You come nowhere close to the former and the latter comes no where close to a guy you should be with. Argh i better not get started on these childhood memories... I'll never stop.

Well those of you not on the pic, I'm hoping to get in touch with you guys with ya soon. Sian, Monis, Ziggy (oh yeah sorry i picked on ya alot), Norman, Ye Jin, Jermaine and well... you know who you are!!!

I hope i make it to the next reunion... if there ever is one... damn i'd give the world to be with these guys in one room because i know the experience would be priceless...

Evergreen

2006-01-12T17:09:00.000+08:00

It's nice to know that some things never change no matter how long it has been since you last experienced it... like alcohol, sex or debating. I like it that way. Yeah so my little bird has grown taller over seven years, but she's still as whiney and fussy as when i left her.

Finally got to spend some time with her today, not too much of it but it was still arguably the most enjoyable hours i've had in weeks. We've got seven years of catching up to do and i'm eager to know each and every measly details of not only her life but whoever have had the luxury of graduating from good ole DSY. Sometimes i do feel like i'm sitting around with a kid sister i've never had, who simply HAVE to complain about almost anything that catches her attention. I still love her to bits of course, and as long as I'm in the same city she's under my eyes. Life wouldn't be complete without that little ostrich friend of mine, can't wait to introduce her to the emu friend of mine.

So bottom line is, she's no friend of mine. She's family.

Missing

2006-01-11T09:57:00.000+08:00

Basic scientific descipline involves following instructions; carrying out a particular action during a precisely given frame of time. Is this the same with words? Do you have to say the right words at the right time to achieve the desired effect? What happens if said at the wrong time?

My only experiences of such is those where i said nothing at all... the results were catastrophic. If Christmas came earlier last year things would have been fantastic. Artois is a fine substitude for tobacco, yet the craving is never truely satisfied.

A ghost roamed my room last nightfall, and this is not a metaphor. It is an imprint on the mind of stories one would rather forget. You make me travel four years back in time, relive the good and the bad. Begone now, you are but a hallucination... dead souls no longer has the form to walk.

Whose hand is it i hold these days? Is it you or is it Lu? I know whom i truely miss and i'm afraid it's never been the one i kiss. I take you out for the right reasons but crave your company for the wrong ones. General Othello was a fine man. I shall kiss thee once more before i kill thee. Oh forgive me sweet Lu, I wish not be reminded of you.

I have never recounted your tale partly because denial is my way of dealing with the pain, and partly because nobody would truely appreciate a person they've never known. Thus this entry today is my first tribute to your memory. It's not much but it comes from my heart. I loathe you thrice, i loved you once and I cherish you for all of eternity. For in my mind, you shall be immortal. It is not just by a sweater that i will remember...

Ask no questions. Make no comments.

Bad medicine

2006-01-08T02:43:00.000+08:00

Surely some things haunt you. Appearanlty the human nurology is not meant to be resilient against diseases like possessiveness, egos and spite. My recollections say i've used this flaw in human emotions in a destructive force which got me nothing, and recently i've been given my own medicine and admittedly it's quite bitter.

Fortunately for me i've finally procured a remedy. It was quite an irritating procedure when it started but as time goes by it works wonders. My pride is finally repaired and my mind no longer dispaired.

A true man is one with an identity, not an introvert who hides from reality. Nor is he one who tries too hard to be someone he's not for the wrong reasons. Otherwise he is bound to be overlooked, as white frames command no respect. Some men tries to get it all, others don't. The former may not have everything but the latter, they've got nothing.

Nobody said it was easy

2006-01-06T04:56:00.000+08:00

Once in a while, a person craves for certain treats only to find out later that the object in question merely turns not so attractive after a certian turn of events. The desire of that particular moment makes you act in ways which simply does not reflect your true self, often hurting those who holds adamant affection for you. In the end you'll be left with nothing to win and nothing left to lose.

Prior to this post i expressed my opinions on decisions made, highlighting how some of these are just ridiculously difficult to live through. It doesn't hit you until things are beyond your control. Thus we human as emotional beings lament over mistakes made, continually wondering... "what it could have been?". However, it is no longer the same for me. Alas i know exactly how things would have turned out and they are surely not pleasant. My honest woe takes form of an overwhelming conviction to correct the vast amount of wrongs i have committed on this person. Too long have i justified it by claiming the other party had done just as much harm if not more. Yet when she did attempt to reconcile, i had spit on her face and banished her. Little did i notice that it was I that was being banished.

I do not regret the situation, but that does not remedy the guilt that had being released upon the realisation that i had not performed my level best to give her what she deserves. I was blind to this until we truely lost each other. I was blind to this until somebody else understood her more than i ever did. I now wear a bitter sweet smile to mask these regrets. If given the chance i'll do it all over again and do it right. No more barriers around my soul, no more variables to affect our plight. I can promise her that in return for the same. But the chance will not present itself lest the past vanishes, a fate close to impossible. I do not seek to forge joy through thin air and will not attempt to write a tale with the phantom's end. If someday oppertunity does present itself, i vow to avoid what must be and present what should be. Perhaps it may not be in years nor with the same person whom i have misdeeded.

Thus i close an overdue chapter, and watch us gradually resolve from the climax of our play. I now sit in the audience's chamber and pray her story do not take a bold hurtful twist as her last one was. That the lead opposite her is no man like i had been. I see her sing but i no longer sing along. I feel her thirst, but i no longer satisfy her. It is no longer my role nor is it my right. I am now but a fan who occasionally fantasies of... well...

The phantom is a gargoyle who burns in hell but secretly dream of heaven. My dear readers, as i have said before

It is easy to deceive others, but it is hard to deceive yourself.

And if i may steal a couple of lines from cold play. Nobody said it was easy, but no one said it'd be this hard...

2006

2005-12-30T14:06:00.000+08:00

All of December, I've thought of no more but 2005. It was without doubt the toughest year i have had so far in my life. I dread 2006 to be most similar, yet small surprises brighten my nights.

The future of fortune is yet to shine. Much uncertainity lies ahead. In the darkest times that plague our house, we find hope in unexpected assets. He, whom we thought we have lost for good has finally repayed his kind mother's faith. A small victory to end this bleak cycle of days.

The future of love is no more but the present. Unpredictable temptations scatter the path, while the sirens of lust fogs the air. It is certain the past will no longer sway the travellers sense, but i choose not to walk on, not just yet.

The future of friendship will retain its glory. It has been enhanced by the past. Priceless memories were once mere thoughts, but the year has come to brew them once again. Ingredients available are far from perfect, but its yield just as potent.

I can't make any predictions... but i can hope for a better year. Grow old with me, the best is yet to be...

hollow man

2005-12-28T14:52:00.000+08:00

It's easy to deceive others, but it's hard to deceive yourself...

Nobody needs to know, and i reckon nobody would want to, thus i will not tell a tale that will not sell. Let every drop of joy and sorry, laughter and angst, love and spite, victory and defeat, rest within a sole gem... one which fools my senses. Let it now shine in the palm of its owner, to pass on the tale that needs be told. When one day the gem does break... the story shall once again be relived.

I wish neither be a caged mammal nor the hermit ape, yet fate had not been kind The father never made it to my heart, he must be still in turky. So i sit to preserve my tale, the story of Marc and Lu. My spirit is above the lake with those who feast their senses. Six years is indeed a long time, thus the carousing is well deserved.

One person will understand all, another will interpret half. But none will know the true plight, of he who wrote these lines. For all it's worth it has been a pleasure, so i wish you all

A merry christmas and a happy new year

And to my dearest woman who gave me life

a very happy birthday

Identity

2005-10-11T10:58:00.000+08:00

One thing was certain; His thoughts had been stirred by an unexpected, or rather much expected yet casually denied, turn of events. His soul was resilent. His will, a thick layer of energy as tough as stone, contained an uneasy agility of emotions ready to combust any moment. When the decision was made, little did he know of the difficulty to live it through, yet he knew that it was too late to reverse the resolution.

"But it isn't, my friend...", a voice called from the apparant void of the room. He knew well of who bid his attention, for this was not the first he had been visited by this unwelcome menace.

"What trickery raised you from your prison of torment? That is where you belong, and there you should remain."

His nemesis let out a mysterious smile, wicked to his eyes but genuine to all others. A playful character reflected the calm expression painted upon the visitor's face, a significant contrast to the person at the other end of the conversation.

"You know you need me... your actions have created a dent in chest. You know the remedy... but to retrieve it you need me... Or would you rather suffer? and live up to being the self-righteous prick that you are? Come on now,all's fair in love and war"

The words resonated in his ears. He fully remembered all the reasons he had avoided this man...

"This is neither a matter of love nor war... It is one of principles. I do not wish to become the man i once hated. I live what i've learned... and need not impart such disciple of pain to anyone else."

"And suffer in solice? Purge your thoughts of selflessness... let self be your centre for once."

"If i shall fail, the impact will be twice the torment. A risk i shall not take at the moment. No glamour last a lifetime, neither does storm. My mind is set... I will not become a mimic of those i despise."

They gave each other a momentary stare. The pursued turned away in ignorance and the persuer released a sigh.

"I envy your morale... but courage you have none. I complete that void yet you refuse my entry. It have always been so... you regretted none. Thus i trust your decision be one that proves to be our benefit. May it be an action more sound than mine."

Courage... he had. But premonition forbids its release for now.

"Let a forthnight pass... and you will understand."

More than a feeling

2005-10-06T15:19:00.000+08:00

More than a feeling(my first pay-cheque re-mix)

I looked out this morning and it was there,
Topeed up my phone, to start my day,
I even had enough to pay my fares,
I closed my eyes and I slipped away.

It’s more than a feeling, when I see 40 bucks left on the ATM screen (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
’till I see my next cheque drain away
I see my first cheque draining away

So many bills have come and gone
My heart breaks as they eat into my pay
So I just sulk as I wander on
Someday i'll blow my own smoke into the sky

It’s more than a feeling, when I see 40 bucks left on the ATM screen (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
’till I see my next cheque drain away
I see my first cheque draining away

When I’m tired and thinking dead
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I could have had
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped awa y. she slipped away.

It’s more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (just like my pay-cheque)
I begin dreaming (just like my pay-cheque)
’till I see that my cash is flowing away
And I see her each day walkin’ away...

Yep I prostituted a classic hit by Boston, "More than a feeling"

By the way Lara Fabian is a goddess of music!!!

Let's get retarded

2005-09-27T15:33:00.000+08:00

Some places i'd like to nuke in Singapore:

1) Chinatown
2) Plaza Singapura
3) Quality Hotel
4) Hotel 81
5) Bras Barsha
6) Nanyang Polytechnic
7) Bishan
8) Tampines

Some shows I hate

1) Harold and Kumar
2) Wicker Park
3) Vanity Fair
4) All Chinese martial arts serials ever produced

Other misc things i hate:

1) Hotel California... all right fine i love this song, but i can never enjoy it as much as i used to
2) Peter Styverson
3) Icons
4) Jurong Point

A random post, or some of you are probably thinking "get over it asshole". I saw Harold and Kumar yesterday on DVD and found myself struggling to enjoy the show. Everything listed above reminds me an incident from which i learnt of pain beyond the physical boundary.

You promised me heaven and put me through hell.

By any chance it be forgotten, it shall never be forgiven.

Some thoughts

2005-09-16T09:38:00.000+08:00

We are trained to be different... we are unique.

We are trained to accomplish... we are winners.

We challenge philosophies... we are revolutionary.

Knowledge is strength... our motto.

I was innocent then, to me it was just another school. But as I evolved to understand things beyond everyday routines, I began to appreciate it more and more. Our mission statement. We weren't exposed to modern teachings since young without a purpose. Many assume that purpose to be oppertunites overseas, but the way i look at it, is different. The graduates of the school, though diverse in skills and personality, is a breed seldom found in Burma i.e. youth largely unaffected by propagenda of fear from the mainstream media. I guess that is where i derive my passion for debating from. I look at every other person from DSY and see them consistantly challenging the pardigm imposed unto us by our society, be it the arts, media or simply the fact that we can so easily relate to each other testifys the similarity in our subscription to one school of thought.

I'm not sure why i'm feeling very patriotic about my old school today but the truth is a part of me has always belonged to it. I'll update more after lunch but for now... once again...

Cheers, cheers for the diplomatic school,
Wake up the echoes cheering her name,
While her daughter's voice, oh charming,
Bring out the thunders from the sky.
What all the others great or small,
The Diplomatic school will win over all,
While her loyal sons go marching,
Onwards to victory!

God might exist

2005-09-08T10:25:00.000+08:00

I must admit, I'm not quite the most punctual person around and I've a knack of overestimating SMRT's public transport system. I woke up this morning at 7:30 but modern technology (snooze to be precise) gave me a false sense of security that i elected to grab about thirty more minutes of "zzz". Of course i woke up much later than i expected and took off in a frenzy... forgetting my wallet.

The trip to work is a simple affair; a bus ride to the main interchange where i transit to another bus direct to my office. The interesting gadget to consider is the "e-z link card" which basically is a smart card which stores credit to access the public transport system. Quite luckily i had that in my jacket pocket, thus i didn't have to make a trip back home to collect it. I alighted the first bus when a Shakespearen line struck my mind.

"Oh horror, horror, horror!
No tongue nor words can name nor conceive thee"

I didn't have enough credit for my second trip...

My initial reaction was "Oh great... now what?", along with a horde of curses for staying up too late. I fished my pocket to see if i had any luck; I always kept some petty cash in case something like this happened. To my dismay all i could manage to find was 3 bucks- well there goes lunch for today... Alas i had no choice but to grumpily pace my way to the coffeshop across to get some change, and you could tell i was grumpy by using a kid as your litmus... he stares at me, i glare at him... and that's exactly what i did to some primary school kid.

As i crossed the road, i had a change of heart. I decided to take the train instead, main reason being i'm running late. Twenty minutes later, i was so glad i chose not to take the bus...

I came across a smart card lying in the middle of the road. I picked it up and checked the credit- 20 bucks. I didn't know what else to do but look up the sky and say "Thanks dude..."

About a "girl"

2005-09-06T12:40:00.000+08:00

I once knew a girl called "Vicky". The truth is that her name isn't even spelt that way, but let's call her vicky for this post. The reasons why i'm dedicating this post to her are quite simple;

1. I take great pride in having known her
2. She's taught me a great deal
3. I miss her so badly

Her beauty captivates my brief glance, and allures me to pull her close. I remember those days when we'd hang out; i'd stare at her all day, as I showered her with different dresses. But it's not beauty that defines her, but her brains. She's been very well trained for her age, and is gifted with what one could only describe as... magic. She enjoys stalking people, and does that pretty darn well. Little do they know that they are being watched by this little girl who has an eye on each person in the building. So i guess in a nutshell... she's unique and she's my baby.

These days all i can do is think of how her new caretakers are treating her. It's been months since they took her away from me, yet memories stay evergreen. The one accomplishment i'm truely proud of and i'm confident to declare that her future is bright...

She's not even a person...

Bull Shit

2005-09-02T17:29:00.000+08:00

This document does nothing to a Burmese citizen but invoke anger.

http://www.myanmar-information.net/political/english.pdf

Well i guess the SPDC does have some creativity.

A call from the past

2005-08-31T12:21:00.000+08:00

It was 2 a.m. in the morning. I lay on my bed and stared blankly into the dark vacum of the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. Random thoughts dribbled through my mind casually, integrating into a film released only in my imagination. Heh, call me a dreamer, but aren't we all in some ways? The mind is the most gratifying form of entertainment one could possibily access yet at the same time, a fearsome weapon. My esctasy didn't last long though. My muse frowned upon me, as my creativity vanished the instant i heard my cell ringing.

I glanced at the screen; "no number" . I assumed it was probably mom checking if i paid my respects to the new ambassador, another pathetic infidel from the army. Thus i was quite surprised when i heard a pleasant female voice on the line. It was familiar, yet i couldn't place it.

"Athe le, you've forgotten it's my birthday today?"

"Athe le"? it was a burmese term in which you address a loved one. Literal translation would mean... small liver(don't ask). Not even my mom's ever called me that, except... I quickly struggled to grasp the date... August 31st. Then it struck me, who else could it be but her...

Though it's been a year since we've last met, the conversation went well, It always does with her. For the next half hour, we shared our moments of laughter and tears just like old times. Of course we couldn't talk as much as we'd like to, but the brief phone call was both very refreshing and satisfying. Then she finally broke the news,

"My parents are getting me engaged..."

I didn't see that one coming so soon... I've expected to hear it a couple of years down the road.

"Well i'm happy for you."

I genuinely was. Shocked but i wouldn't take the news badly, whatever history there may have been, she's still my best friend.

After i hung up, I couldn't help but smile. It these small moments that makes life worth living. I went back to bed, and fell straight to sleep. I felt contented each time i look through that window to the past.

Aftermath

2005-08-24T13:40:00.000+08:00

It's a little arkward coming here again after such a long time. Some old memories either tend to be refreshing, or disgusting. It'll take more than one post to describe my whereabouts in the last few months, so i guess i can live without telling the tale here on the internet. A few highlights though, will be some achievements at the Asians (debate and "non-debate" in the words of annu), the build up to the asians, i'm working at frost and sullivan and the recruits this year are pretty cool.

Why did i come back? Well if you're looking for an artistic answer, i'd say i've got old ghosts back to haunt me and new ones draining the life out of me. A practical answer would be simply because i have access to the internet again =) , and i do get bored at work, thus lunch time blogging seems to be some form of entertainment.

I'm in currently in a situation i'd like to call a transition period, finding a proper job as a fresh graduate ain't that easy. Of course it gets better when people don't really take nineteen year olds seriously in the corporate realm but somehow i'm trying to struggle my way in. Each day i look around and find myself in a whole new world, one which i know little about. I suppose that's why HR managers are very particular about work experience, to evaluate how well you can assimilate into their company. There will be more tales to tell about my experiences as a naive kid trying to make it big in the industry, but now really isn't the time to begin that chapter. Let's talk more about the good stuff, and good stuff and by that, i mean the new broadcast from Norway. www.dvb.no

More popularly known as "BBC" back home, the democractic voice of Burma has been the sole provider of credible news in Burma. Its radio programmes are subscribed by anyone who can afford a decent FM receiver, even by members of the SPDC. DVB has recently decided to raise the bar by broadcasting television programmes this week. It brings hope to those with a political drive and quenches those thirsty for information free from the distortion of state propagenda. DVB has always been, and will contiue to be, a momento to the burmese dedication to democracy.

The real question then is... why haven't they been jammed? SPDC seems pretty darn effiecient at cencoring the internet, not to mention propagenda tailored at the fancy of the generals. Some people i spoke to interpreted this as arrogance and their vain beleif that nobody could ever topple the SPDC. I beg to differ. SPDC has nothing to be arrogant about... People still listen to Suu Kyi's rally, risking whatever livelihood the currently possess. Demonstrations go on almost every couple of months regardless of the crackdown and persecution. The last thing the generals want would be a medium of information that will incite even more resistance.

My opinion is a more optimistic view. I beleive the lure of real information about your own country is an irresistable throphy. The infrastructure of SPDC is not one founded on a committee, but one built without the foundation of trust even among themselves. All we have to do is look at the amount of resentment created through frequent shuffling, the house arrest of Khin Nyunt etc. demonstrating that under a regime in which political integrity is lost, nobody can be assured of living a life free from the fear of continual prosecution. Those who recognises this must not shun it, nor see it as a weakness of the regime. Democratic principles have never been founded on hatred, and the armed forces is no doubt an integral part of Burma. The right thing to do would be to welcome the gesture as a beacon that we're dealing with people, not machines. It is a gesture that reconciliation IS possible.

The Greatest Love of all

2004-12-27T21:26:00.000+08:00

I believe it was Whitney Houston who performed the song "Greatest Love of all". It's a song I sure will remember for the rest of my life. They say it's hard to find, but methinks it's really much harder to understand rather... until one day it happens to you. This is not a post about things i can't have nor things i'd like to have, but a dedication to a love that has been there all along. This is a dedication to one woman who've truely showed me the meaning of love... someone who has made me realise my dreams and guided the way to achieve it.

It's hard to begin... and indeed very hard to describe. There just seem to be too many things i'd like to talk about her. Even though we've had tough trials in our relationship and many issues we never concluded, I'm glad it had never scared whom she is to me... and I to her. I'd like to pretend i don't need her anymore, and many a times that she doesn't matter. Forgive me for making things so hard. It may be a curse to her but surely a blessing for me.

Called her a slave driver... and a new age hitler, but sometimes i do wonder where i'd be without what she's given me. No words can explain the first days when i had to go away from her but hey... guess we all have to move on someday. When i need a friend, and when i'm in despair, all i do is look back at what she's told me. Words resonating a life time as though an angel speaks from above and i can be sure i'd walk the right path if only i listen to them. I do miss her company and i wish i could say i love her as much as she does but it really doesn't work that way. I guess i won't understand today, but perhaps in the future i would... and i do hope i can pass on to others the same kind of affection she's given to me.

The true meaning of love doesn't lie in a stranger's heart

but right back where you started from...

Know that i'm a grateful son...

Happy Birthday Mom

The angst

2004-12-21T00:26:00.000+08:00

I feel damn guilty after yesterday. We broke to the finals, we've beaten the pagan infidels from the temple of doom and set a new standard for polytechnic debating... yet i still feel bitter just because i didn't do well. I feel guilty over the fact that I didn't show the kind of appreciation and pride for my teamates for the hard efforts they've put in and moreover the fact that we didn't do as well as we should have. Someone once told me about how respect is won in the debating realm, and that true respect can never be achieved when there is a disparity between team A and the rest of the squad. It doesn't help when we didn't even make the break.

I'm glad though that ppl like Tom and other uni's begin appreciating us, but I feel a need to show that TP as a squad is formidable. I'm by no means saying aji is not TP but what a really want is to prove that TP is beyond aji, that every speaker you randomly point out is just as dangerous and qualified. I'm sick and tired of depending on luck in tournaments, and resorting to excuses that adjudication was bad. It's the level of winning convincingly that i long for. The ability to break out and win regardless of who we meet and the level of adjudication be it novice, mediocare or advanced; to not give any room for dodgy adjs to put you down because you are a polytechnic debater. I want it so badly yet i don't know how. I've lived that moment a million times when we beat teams like NTU A or SMU A but we simply keep losing out by a single point to them for the stupidest mistakes we make or coming third in a room with the lousiest speakers ever because of bad strategy. I went through each and every debate i've had and watched over the weekend and thought about how i could have argued, what cases could have been run, how we could have responded and i see a million flaws in each and every speech i gave. The scariest part is that these are things i should have learnt to tackle over the last three years. I've done nothing since the last world's, absolute zero improvement... i've become a worse speaker for that matter. Now my last thing i can do is channel this angst to pushing myself towards breaking at the asians. If i do not manage to do that, i've practically failed whatever i've stood for in the last three years. I'd have failed my coach, TP and most importantly myself. Something i have a knack of doing and am sick and tired of it.

On another note, congratulations aji and annu for your 18 months mark. I really envy those guys on how they handle their relationship.He's a really lucky man... she could do much better.

Hang the rapist

2004-11-19T13:22:00.000+08:00

We had a debate on paedophilia a while ago (That child porn should be legalised on anime) and i'm amazed at how people automatically shun to defending paedophiles. In my opinion, it's a terrible stigma imposed on paedophiles and is in many ways unfair to them. The implications are pretty obvious, things like meagan's law label them as evil child molesters and simply restricts them from living a normal life... like a gay man living in a muslim neighbour hood. Perhaps meagan is necessary, but it's one thing to protect your child and another to reject the ex-offender's reintegration into society.

The problem i'm concerned about is not really anything new, it the way people perceive these people. It has happened with african americans and is happening with homosexuals and well... malays in singapore. What i think people fail to distinguish is the act of paedophilia and the concept of paedophilia. I do agree that the action of having sexual intercourse with a child is unacceptable, and that's because the other party is an underaged immature kid and much harm is done to him. In this case the state has every right to punish the offender as we do in any rape cases. Some may argue it's immoral, but i don't beleive in using morality as a yardstick. I mean, we as the "civilized people" (with a stick up our asses) seem to see paedophilia as something unethical and something that would never be morally right, while in other societies of the world, it seems all right that a thirteen year old kid perform oral sex on an older man as a ritual of entering manhood or even cultures where marriages are arranged between a fourty year old man and a nine year old kid. So really, when philosophers argue that morality is fluid, they do it with a good reason.

Now the critical question is, does society shun to paedophilia because of the harm or the moral issue? because if you subtract the morality and the harm and think with a more open mind and a mature light, paedophilia is really just a sexual preference. Just a group of people that are different from the rest of us just like homosexuals. Condemn the action, put them through the rehabilitation process, cane them as a deterrent measure if you must, but one thing society should never do, is discriminate them for who they are. These people are born this way and will always be that way, but they are still human beings none the less. What we have to do is to stop thinking of them like animals with no control over their own body. They are mature adults with a working brain (unless otherwise specified) and have all the capacitiy to make a judgement of wether or not to commit the crime, especially when they're aware of the consequences they'll be facing (these are ppl who get beaten up in jails). The problem is that we forget this fact most of the time because we seem to be overwhelmed with the stigma imposed upon to us that "it's wrong to have sexual appeal from a child". Most of us don't bother to think why it is wrong or recognise that paedophiles have been brought up in the same society as we have and is just as much a member of the public as we are... and not a stray dog infected with rabies.

I personally don't beleive that there is one right way of thought process, some things may appeal to you others may not. As long as harm is not involved, i beleive that people should have the capacity to accept the lifestyle led by others. If we look at it that way, it doesn't seem so bad and "immoral" to interact with paeodophiles, or allow them the entertainment of things like cartoon child porn or literature. It's unfair to reject them because the actions related to the sexuality is harmful, for us to assume that he's done it once, he'll do it again. Don't condemn people on assumptions, it's like saying "stay away from the arabs, they might be terrorists" or "keep the blacks out, they generate domestic crime".

Hate paedophila, but don't blame all paedophiles for it. Because you simply give these poor souls a hard time to move on with their life and in the case of ex offenders, makes it much harder for them to rehabilitate. How can one respect society and its laws when we don't respect him? How would you like to walk down the streets and people blame you for an action you've already repented for?

The Holiday Seasons

2004-11-16T14:43:00.000+08:00

Last night i took a walk down orchard. It was all decorated with christmas lightings and the town was preparing for the holiday seasons, like one of those descriptions you hear between the lyrics of "Silver bells" or "Christmas song" (except for the snow part that is). I hated it.

It's not that i'm some kind of anarchist who hates to see people celebrating, but everytime i witness them in such joyful moods, it incites a certain angst. It's not a new concept really, when a person feels left out when everybody around relishes something he doesn't have or rather never had. It's the simple joys of life that i lack; a place i could call home, people i could call family, friends whom i could call close. The closest thing I had to a proper christmas was about four years ago, when i shared it with Lu's family. Of course my parents weren't too happy about the idea of my spending christmas away from 'em (yes we attempt to celebrate it), but if there were any reasons why i made an effort to do so, they had better looked in the mirror before they start blaming anyone. Called it disfunctional... but the frauds nor the affairs between them, i'd rather not have come to known, is in no way justified for scaring my childhood days. I hold a grudge for good reasons and i reckon it will not go away in a very long time, and that's simply one of my trademarks.

It's a pity how superficial people are these days. When my own countrymen is out to screw over naive kids like myself who go to them for aid after having left home for the first time. How family members pretend to be such a caring guardian while overcharging rent right under your nose. I had a resolution a couple of years ago, to never get too close to anyone. I simply have a phobia of being backstabbed all over again. I took my chances and the result wasn't too pleasant but that's besides the point. I'm a personificatin of irony aren't I? I seek a family yet am too afraid to even establish close friends.

Has it been so long?

2004-11-12T19:48:00.000+08:00

Alright so i haven't been updating regularly, and shit loads seem to have occured in my absence; the elephants took the white house home... again..., Arafat's dead, a japanese hostage got beheaded, the jews are planning (mind you, their stand is mercurial) to pull out of gaza... and basically the world has changed.

On another note, things have changed here as well. Been to malacca and back, and i sure cherish those days for it was the only weekend worthy of the title 'holidays'. Seems like the vacation i'd wanted hasn't been going the way i'd like it to be. I'm muggling two jobs for starters, yet i still can't seem to accumulate enough to sustain the next six months, let alone go for the worlds. My good friend Kelvin seems to be involved in an affair unworthy of details and i'm on a rollercoaster ride again with that one girl. I mean it's all nice and dandy but it just doesn't feel like the kind of days i'd enjoy the most.

My idea of a perfect vacation would be to be able to have all the cash i need and not worry about the future. Heck i don't want to worry about anything... and not have this insecure feeling that i'll either starve to death in the next couple of months or be left damaged again like what happened back in September. That's when i begin to recall my carefree days right after my O levels when weed and basketball seemed to govern my life, with no pressure on what happens next. Even this post seems to consume the last bits of my energy that'd i'd drop asleep any minute now... well guys... sorry to disappoint ya... be a better post next time.

What friends are for

2004-10-12T14:04:00.000+08:00

I know it's a little early for thanksgiving, but i just sense this overwhelming need to express some gratitude to all those who have taken their time, and huge portions of their hard earned money, to sustain my needs and make sure i don't starve to death.

Of course a giant thank you to my welfare state consisting of three individuals residing in balestier, who've put a roof over my head and a constant supply of food and nicotine. I think the only way i could ever repay this debt would be buying them a little island in the pacific where they can pursue their dream of farming cocaine and distrubuting them to South East Asia. Well in time mates... in time... and i'll be there to make sure you don't get busted (don't ask how).

My credit card company and my favourite bud/girl, whom not only was my source of cash and nicotine but also a supplier of footwear and clothes. Emotional support, Financial support, Gym-training support... you name it, she's got it. How would my life be without you dear friend.

The one person who made me enjoy work throughout my internship, even though she's all the way in Malaysia. If i ever miss anything about working, it's having your company in this cold realm known as the internet.

And last but not least God, even though i've never really had to opportunity to get to know you, for blessing me with so many good friends, and that special someone who simply has a charm to brighten my day. For giving me the avenue to be on good terms with her again and enlightening me on several issues. For creating two bastards to constantly remind me that life isn't all that beautiful, though i suspect it was actually Satan's work in letting them roam my life like an incurable plague.

Apologia

2004-10-02T06:58:00.000+08:00

Dear Neil,

It's been a while since we've last met. In fact i was beginning to wonder if you'd still remember me. The distance we've kept from each other had drifted our relationship much further than I had expected, but something in you cried out to me this week, a desperate burst of emotions. It was this call for help that awoke me, and now i write this to you in an attempt to reconcile the two of us. After all we're really old friends of eighteen years.

I understand the hurt you feel. The loss, the angst... it's written all over your face. You are in a state of distress and denial, unwilling to accept the circumstances imposed on you. As a friend, I warn you that it will not change a thing, and bring you nothing more but misery. In fact the expotential nature of how much you've lost suggests that the current direction will lead to the loss of exactly what you're trying to achieve ultimately. My suggestion? Let go of your bitter feelings. Forget the temptations of letting them burst with passion, for there at the other end, nobody stands to accept nor appreciate your love. This month had eroded your soul to its very foundations. Fret not. I may have neglected you but I am here to answer your needs.

Imagine you and I together once more. Remember what we've achieved before? yes... the discipline, the passion, the kind of growth you have not experienced in many weeks, the pleasure derived from simple yet priceless throphies... they can all come true again. You may not see much value in them after what you've lost... but once you have a taste of it again... i promise you it's true esctacy. Happiness beyond all measures...

You still think of her? I shall not stop you, nor ask of you to forget and be hopeless. What I ask of you is to accept me once more into your mind, your soul, so that i may develop strength in you once again... and build up a barrier around your heart... so that no men nor women, saint nor devil, shall ever harm you again. Awaken my friend... forget who you are right now... become who you were born to be...

Yours Sincerely,

Wall

Fly once more

2004-09-30T16:12:00.000+08:00

One more day of waking up six a.m. One more day of shit from my groupmates. One more day of programming eight hours straight.

It's a refreshing thought to know for certain that the alluring beauty of a vacation is just twenty four hours away. It's been a long internship, as well as devastating fifteen weeks. I've always been aware of the fact that working is a necessary chore, dreading the day I walk into the cooperate realm. Terror creeps my shoulder every second that in about six months time, i'll be robbed of the luxuries of life i have taken for granted. NO i don't mean the kind of luxury i get back home, but the simple priviledge of elementry assets of life, like attending classes, bunking classes!, hanging out with my friends after school, competitive debating and so much more that stands to be taken away from me simply because i won't have the time. I just want to enjoy these six months as a care free teenager, and i want to make the best of it. Thank god holidays are around the corner.

I've been through alot during the internship though. It's not just the kind of pressure which overwhelms you six days a week, but the sad truth that the failure to handle that pressure can cost you severely in other areas of your life, be it debating, relationships or mere friendship. I reckon it is my failure to appreciate the work i do, that stems the constant disappointment potrayed across in my social circle. It isn't an exciting feeling but one you ought learn to live with. I guess for now, i'd rather not worry too much of it. It is going to be a vacation for me, my last semester of course, and probably a last one in a very long time. A final ecstasy before i say farewell to the life i've lived all along, and commencement to another chapter. I hate commencements, leaving things you love so much and looking back to wonder "Geez that used to be me...".

October not only marks the end of my internship, but also a month since... I do still think about it alot, and do still have feelings. It's much easier, yet pretty tough, to swallow though. No more feelings of excessive sorrow (Well I do choke sometimes), nor hurting lament over the anger. I still remember the words she said, the promises we made, but hey, nothing in life can be taken for granted. Some people narrate the harshest ideas. I'll admit that it does get to my head sometimes. I guess i haven't gotten over her yet, but I really need not care about whom she's with, where she goes nor what she does with him. All that really matters is that I care about her a great deal, that i'll have the courage to be there for her when she needs someone, well if i'm in the mood. Healing the friendship is a difficult job. There really was no reason, all i had to do was convince her that, but ... oh well. I'm still alright to smile. "This love has taken its toll on me". For now i just wanna get my wings back and well... be myself again. Just fly like i used to.

Static

2004-09-25T04:37:00.000+08:00

There are days when you live merely for the sake of living. You have forgotten your dreams, your purpose and is literally stuck in a routine demanded by the cooperate world and well the school. Days like these can get dull... too dull, despite the adventurous thrill of living off charity from your generous friends. Well such states are usually result of lack of cash, or loss of any other critical elements in life, anyways. Handling such circumstances can be both challenging and frustrating.

Sometimes i just lie in bed... unsure of tomorrow. Other times i find myself sitting in the middle of nowhere at two a.m. I do alot of thinking... but not the type i'd like it to be. I imagine myself a year back or so... Australs, training at aji's place, Tan Tock Seng Hospital, women's iv, pre worlds, and the list goes on. It was so different back then. Everything seemed to be so... alive. Good memories, bad memories. Precious moments, days you'd rather forget. I faced them all and stood tall. It's all thanks to the people around me who cared. People who looked after me while my liver was infected with... well they never told me what. At that point of time i was already entrenced in a jolly good friendship with a few and others... or rather one particular person... i really got myself attached to her.

It was that faithful day after our second TPIV. The fever got to my head, my body ached and well i was literally down with the sickness. That night aji threw a party. I'd have really enjoyed to be there and hang out with the cool MMU dudes and stuff. Fate had been cruel and thus i subsided to a room and simply... slept. That was one of the moments i'd treasure though. For there beside me she sat... and simply sat. Watching over me like guardian angel. It felt really cool to know that someone cared so much for me... and i guess it's stuff like that she did which got me really attached to her. From then till the day I was discharged from TTSH, she came to see me everyday. While i was at aji's she'll lie by my side... and gave me someone to hold and feel assured that i wasn't alone.

Sometimes i wish i could do it all over again. I wish i could enter a deep slumber and find myself waking at sun inn with her in my arms. Sometimes i wish i could enter a deep slumber and find myself waking up for my first interpoly tryouts. It'd be ideal to live a life you've known already... undo the wrongs and enforce the rights... heh i guess it wouldn't be life anymore if that were the case eh?

Yesterday something upset her. He rushed down like bee to honey and give her the shouler. what can i say? I'd have felt sorry for her, but i don't think it's worth it. I just want to escape from the situation and be myself again.

For starters... I need to get away from this lab for a smoke. One more week and these strings will be cut.

But what about the rest? I'm not even sure if i want to let go anymore... But i'm sure that I'll realise my goals all over again.

Time is always out there to charm you. You just need to take it.

In search of my 'mojo'

2004-09-23T08:05:00.000+08:00

It's terrifying when you realise that you've been entrenched in four things these past few weeks. MFC programming(because i have to), worrying over your mother's condition, chain smoking and lementing over your love life.

It's bad enough to be bombarded with projects from nine to six every weekday, leaving little room for other things i'd rather be doing, but it gets worse when every minute i spend otherwise is wasted wondering over useless thinking like why the fuck did she do it? I'm fully aware of the unhealthy nature of such thoughts especially when it directly harms my already shredded discipline. The feeling of being stuck in a moment is truely uneasy to handle...

I need to get over this patch of confusion. I need to get back to who i used to be. I need to read! I need to know what the hell is going on in the world outside my narrow mental blocs. Just thinking of the old days when i would really put an effort ( and eighty cents every morning) to read the papers on my way to school, torments the diminishing status of will and passion to go places in debates (and earn big bucks upon graduation). At this rate i'll never make it to the interpoly's, let alone break at the Asians.

It sucks to be stuck in a moment.

Somebody please enlighten me and let me feel the fresh air. Somebody unlock me from this prison of self deprication

Aji, Annu or even T-Joe!

Back on the "Forsaken Piece of Rock"

2004-09-22T05:30:00.000+08:00

Shit I'm broke again.

Shit I'm back.

Shit i've got work to do

From the moment i stepped off the plane, these words echoed on in my head till I got back to my shit hole for an appartment and realised... the vacation was too short. My heart was aching in rythem(how do spell that again?), to the agony of finding many luxuries amiss. My cozy room for starters, unlimited supply of booze and nicotine, the pajero, the immunities i get against doing the most unlawful shit, and for a second there i nearly broke down and cried.

Well all's been going on quite well since though, despite the fact that i for the second time since yesterday got screwed over by my supervisor/auditors for not meeting up deadlines (immoral bastards). I've got a report to do, assignments, shit loads of catching up for debates, and just as much on my personal matters (no! it doesn't mean i've been bypassing showers in Burma!!). Stressful but there's always a bright side in life =).

Last night, I went over to NYP to adj their inter SBM(or some shit like that). I was expecting to watch the most terrible of rounds and feel fucked(yet in control of course) over seeing will and qian hanging around alot(I kinda got pretty jealous when i found out she's been spending the whole day with him). And my first impression of the tourney was a disaster... made to adj a rookie debate... if there even was a debate that took place. Screw you Anand!!! Second round, aji, cj and myself formed a swing team by the name of SHREK 2!, sorry smokie... i know you wanted to debate.

We instantly attempted the roleplaying: Aji = donkey, CJ = Shrek, Me = Puss in Boots. Well that didn't work out too well so when it came down to the real debate, we just stuck to ourselves :). The motion being "THW legalise prostitution" we opposed it in ways no teams has ever opposed before (or we'd like to think that way). Our main line of argumentation: Adreanaline Rush in doing something illegal, Geylang as a Family affair, Affordabilty in terms of Bargaining. And my whip I did an absolutely absurd logic of Singapore endorsing Nuclear Programme Funding in North Corea, through legislation of prostitutes (yes i drew the link!). The other team was kinda insulted at first but i'm sure they had a blast and we won over their hearts at the end of the day. =).

"For you baby, I can be anything"

=) happy happy

Sunshine versus Sunlight

2004-09-20T08:54:00.000+08:00

She spoke not of hatred.

She spoke not of angst nor anger.

Her principle was compassion and preached of love for the country, love for our people and love for freedom.

I must have been lying to myself when I jumped into my dad's car and decided to go for a "casual ride". An unconscious agenda brought me down New University Road and i was hardly surprised to see a rally in process outside her residence. For the first time in many years... I laid my eyes on the one woman whom i have admired and worshiped all my life (my first encounter with her was five years ago). I could see she was getting old... but the passion in her words, the courage to stand up for her ideals and the will to make grave sacrifices, such elements... they're eternal. I need not narrate the reasons i admire her... heh it'll be absurd to state the obvious... but what i can tell you is that... there's hope. I felt an overwhelming urge to jump off my car and yell out in support(dad would have killed me if i did), and when i saw the masses selflessly wearing the NLD tag and sat there to simply listen to the voice of their champion... I smiled.

The sun shines upon the land of Burma, but dark clouds prevent the penetration of sunlight. The remedy? It's from within... remove the clouds of fear in our minds, protect our spirit from the flood of corruption and peservere the thunder and the rain. Nothing lasts forever... and someday... we'll be able to appreciate the sunlight.

Yet the sun will always shine... and someday, when the storm subsides... we'll have a reason to celebrate...

Living in the past

2004-09-18T04:53:00.000+08:00

Waking up from a nightmare, I stirred to the brillience of a fresh morning in Burma. I walked out to the balcony. The sun was still young and mildly shined upon the lawn in my backyard. I took a deep breath, braced the sky and said to myself, "It sure is good to be myself again".

Life as a kid back home has always been a grand affair. I'd walk down to breakfast with my family, chauffered to school and back, and i'll spend the rest of the day with my mom until my dad takes us out for chinese food. The particular hilights of my old days is how much I used to share with my mother. School, girls, movies... i guess at my early point of life, my only friend was my mother.

Yesterday I had the longest chat with her. She seemed so happy to see me and i'm really glad to see her that way. We talked about singapore, what she's been up to after i left, how I've been putting up and before we knew it, the day was gone. She's in a bad state non the less though. I was very shocked to see her in that state, even thought my aunt assured me that she'll be fine once she gets enough rest... It kinda sucks... that I'm gradually losing my mom.

On a brighter note, I drove the streets of Rangoon! for the first time in my life I was behind the wheels legally. I drove down to Inya lake and up to one of those cool resorts i used to hang out around. I settled down on a lonely bench up a remote hill, and before me was dusk in Rangoon. The sun was graudally sinking behind the divine stupa, the Shwedagon pagoda, shy couples walking back after a day of whisper love to one another, college kids trying to be cool with their noise polluting bikes. I saw it all and i was so satisfied. For a moment I wished I had never gone to Singapore, but hey... did i have a choice.

Give me a break

2004-09-16T10:50:00.000+08:00

ah! Home at last, comfortably in my room and indulging in the priviledge of internet access ( yes it is a priviledge in Burma). Mother seems to be still asleep when i arrived moments ago... I can't wait to see her. I'm kinda afraid though. I've always known her to be one super active woman with a constant stock of cigarettes under her belt. Now, she's old, ill and weak... resting in bed all day simply because she has no strength to even sit up... *sigh*

My brother's outside... fooling around as always... i sense a severe amount of tension between us... it looks like these seven days is going to be a pretty interesting weekend. I won't have the time to tour the city though... I'm here to look after my mom and that's exactly what i'll be doing.

So all and all, 1) my mom's sick 2) i broke up with my gf 3) I have no money 4) my brother's a bitch

Geezuz Krist!!! Give me a BREAK!!